It has been years (shocking how many actually!) since I’ve looked back upon this blog. As I read it, some of the pain rushes back with that tingly sensation of having been asleep for a period of time. I don’t really recall when or how I made the decision to turn my back on this blog. I just know that I did, and I think I had to. As we all know, I’m not good at being vulnerable and those wounds were just too deep and too exposed to face. Even now as I look back with so much perspective and an entirely different life, so different, in fact, that it’s somewhat difficult to picture the old one, I can still feel that pain to my core, sharp and biting as ever. Most days it’s pretty well buried and I don’t even notice it. But even now, three years later, some event, image, sound, word, it’s pretty unpredictable really, will send me to my knees in tears.
Having said all of that, I am happy. Truly, deeply happy. I have mourned the loss and have moved into a wonderful emotional place. Toward the end of the “trying to get pregnant” process, I met a man who has become that person in my life that I had stopped believing possible. He was sweet and supportive from the beginning and held my hand and my heart through some pretty horrific grieving. We are now married and building a life together. It’s a crazy, messy, goofy, unpredictable life, and I really couldn’t be happier.
As I read back over all the posts and re-experience all the emotions, I can’t help reflect on how different I seem/feel, I’m not sure which of those words portrays the thoughts. I’ve always thought of myself as a strong person, and as I read the blog I can still sense that inner strength that I held onto through that process, but I feel stronger now. Or maybe it’s surer. Is that even a word? It doesn’t set off my spell check so I’m feeling ok about using it, and I think it more accurately effects how I’m feeling. I feel sure, grounded, this sense of peace and security that wraps me up like a warm blanket. And I feel softer. I’m less afraid and more willing be vulnerable.
And I miss writing!!! So this in my new attempt at blogging. I’m going to try to be better at timeliness, but I’m making no promises. Currently my life is about, work and family. Work is work and I’d like to avoid it as much as possible, but I’m sure it will sneak in here now and again, but family will be my focus. Since I work so much, (and I’ve just taken on another part-time job!) home is a delicate juggling act. For the most part I think I manage it pretty well, so I’m going to put it out there for review. Be gentle please.
My current obsession is real, organic, healthy eating. I cook, from scratch, almost every night. And it’s good! Even my brother-in-law and my friend L*, who both have the palate of toddlers, (ok maybe pre-teens) think it’s good. But there are a million cooking blogs, so while I may focus on some cooking this isn’t strictly a cooking blog. I plan to take license to write about whatever strikes me, but I’ll at least let you know what I’m cooking. Deal? Good, then here we go…..