Monday, May 5, 2008


Obviously, I am behind in posting. I was hoping to post as things happened, but life sometimes gets in the way! So, I will recap the last 2 weeks since the insemination.

It’s a bizarre feeling to know what could be happening in your body. I bounced from hoping, to wondering, to willing it to happen. I don’t think that I ever fully stopped thinking about it. I couldn’t help but wonder if this is what it feels like to be a teenager and have to wait to find out if your life will be forever altered.

As I write this I struggle with what tense to use. Should I write it as if it’s occurring, walking you through the process…..but then that’s impossible because I am at the point that I know the outcome, so it feels artificial to portray the anticipation.

I can’t begin to put words to the emotions that I have experienced over the last couple of weeks. My mind would not allow me to wonder too far from focus on my uterus. I consider every move I make, questioning if it will have an effect or if I will attribute a failed attempt to it. It’s difficult not to talk about it, let alone to not think about it. I do make a concerted effort to live my life as normally as possible. I realize how someone can become obsessed with getting pregnant. Hopefully, I can be more grounded than that.

About 10 days after the insemination, I have the urge to take a pregnancy test, but somehow will myself to wait. I had no idea I had this much willpower!!! I convince myself that I just want to know. I can’t allow myself to generate too much hope, but every twinge in my body is taken as a sign of pregnancy and I have to talk myself out of believing. I have heard numerous women say that they just knew, and I crave this knowing, but it refuses to cooperate. Damn rational thought process!

On day 26 of my cycle, I wake up knowing I will take the test! I try to control the excitement, knowing that the more hope I allow myself the more disappointment I may have to face. We are all aware of my morning routine, but I wake up early and am unable to snooze….go figure. So I get up and pee on the stick. Go let Shadow out, forcing the anticipation out of my mind. I only have to wait 3 mins, but it feels like an eternity! As I walk back up the stairs, Shadow flying up before me to dive back into bed, I remind myself that a negative result isn’t necessarily indicative of a failed attempt. It’s still a couple days early. (The most accurate results are after the date of your expected period, which is typically day 28 for me.) I try to find that feeling of knowing, but it’s not there, and I walk into the bathroom with such nervous anticipation. There is only one line and a sadness washes over me. Again I am reminded that I am doing this alone. There is no one to share my burden.

I get into the shower, silently convincing myself that there is still a possibility that I am pregnant, but it’s false, even to myself. Deep down, I know! But I choose hope for now.

The next day, my period begins and the sadness creeps in. I feel alone, all the while knowing that I have so many supports to reach out to, but I am painfully aware that the loneliness belongs to me. I can’t give it away, so I embrace it and give it its due. Tomorrow it can be set aside.

Friday, May 2, 2008


I know I’ve kept some of you hanging. I should be a writer for Lost! To continue…..

So, she calls my name and we walk back to the exam room. I’m still clinging to my vial of sperm and am now profoundly nervous. I liken it to the first time you have sex. You are excited and really want to do it, but have no idea what to expect, so your heart is just racing. I hand the nurse the vial and she asks if I need to use the restroom. I figure this is a good idea so I do. When I return she tells me that I need to undress or I can just pull my skirt up and take off my panties. That is WAY too much like I’m a teenager sneaking to get laid, so I opt for taking it off! There is a little section of the exam room that is sectioned off with a curtain where I go to undress. She hands me a sheet to wrap around myself.

When I emerge, she tells me to lie on the exam table with my feet in the stirrups. This is exactly what happens during a regular ob/gyn appointment, so now I’m feeling a little like a pro. Any familiarity offers some small comfort at this point! She then explains what will happen. She will “clean” my cervix with what appears to be a large q-tip, then insert a catheter attached to a syringe, in which she has placed the specimen. She will insert the catheter, through the cervix (hence the “cleaning”), into my uterus. Once the catheter reaches the top of my uterus, she will insert the sperm. She tells me that I should feel some cramping. She leaves the catheter there for two minutes and then slowly withdraws it. I then lie on the table for ten minutes allowing the sperm to swim up my fallopian tubes. We are chatting this entire time, mostly about baby things, but not really the procedure. I feel slight cramps, but a routine pelvic exam is more uncomfortable. She then explains what should happen over the next couple of weeks, and instructs me to stay put for another few minutes and go about my day.

Lying on the table, alone in the room, I try to visual what is happening inside my body. It’s a strange sense. I keep wanting to feel something, but I’m not even sure what it is. Emotionally, I am feeling a sense of peace and excitement. After about 5 mins, I get dressed and leave. It’s strange leaving. I just walk out alone. It’s almost a disappointment, I wanted the fanfare, but the happiness is stronger, so thankfully it wins out. I return to work, where everyone is bursting with questions and excitement, which helps to prolong the euphoric mood for a bit longer. But then, it’s back to work. I can’t really concentrate on anything, however, because I can’t stop thinking about what could be happening inside me!

A couple hours later, the cramps start! And they progressively get worse. By the time, I head home for the day, I am almost doubled over. Thank God it’s Friday because I just want to go lie down. I have never experienced cramps like that. It’s not that the pain is so severe, but the cramping just doesn’t ease. I spend the entire evening in bed, which Shadow is thoroughly unhappy about, and manages to make this known every hour! The next morning, the cramps have dulled, andI am able to function fairly normally, although it’s still somewhat uncomfortable. By that evening, thankfully they are gone.

The next 2 weeks are anything but normal, but that will have to wait until the next posting.