Friday, December 28, 2007

Random Ravings

Why is it that the people who clearly do not understand traffic laws are the ones who feel compelled to enforce it??? If you insist on driving the wrong way in the parking lot, please refrain from flashing obscene gestures in my direction when our cars meet!

I have yet again failed to experience the wonder and joy that is the Christmas season. There isn't one ounce of fun involved in shopping during the holidays! I have decided that Christmas shopping should always involve wine. That would make it at least tolerable. How can I get that decreed?

Why isn't there a handicapped zone at the airport? I had to pick my mother and grandmother up from the airport. Sounds simple enough, right? Well, they are both in wheelchairs and had a total of 4 checked bags and 2 carry ons. I debated whether to park or to pick them up at baggage claim. Parking sounded much like the game where you have to get a fox, a chicken, and some corn across the river. I would have made at least 10 trips from the car into the airport and back! So I went the baggage claim route. They can both walk, but ride in a wheel chair when there is any distance involved. My mom met me at the curb and I made several trips into the airport to get the luggage and my grandmother in the wheelchair. All the while the traffic cop is yelling at me that I can't just park there and leave my car! Apparently he has that rare form of blindness that doesn't allow him to see people in wheelchairs! What was I supposed to do??? Maybe my 80 year old, wheelchair bound grandmother really does look like a terrorist! I'm really not an expert on terrorism and I just see her as grandma.

Update on "amazing man:" The pendulum has swung back the other way and he has pulled back again. We have both been really busy with family in town for the holidays, or am I just making excuses for him? I really don't know, but I am way too tired to think about it now. It's been a rough week! I will write more about that later!

Thursday, December 20, 2007

A question of sanity?

I had a date with “amazing man” last night. He was in a great mood and was exceptionally affectionate. For all of you that are cheering, this is a double-edged sword! As much as I try to thwart the wave of thoughts, they fill my brain like a flood. “Are we moving forward?” “Is it enough?” “Will he pull back again?” “Should I be patient, give him time to figure out what he wants?” “How long is too long to wait?” “Am I waiting for something that isn’t going to happen?” “I’m not willing to give up my dreams!” “Can I really do this alone?”

Let me repeat that last one. “Can I really do this alone?” That’s really what it boils down to. I know all of the intellectual arguments, and the reality is; Yes, I can do this alone. Women do it all the time. The question is really a matter of fear! Or maybe it’s insanity! Or fear of insanity! Let’s face it, what sane person chooses to do this alone????

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Raving 101

There are so many thoughts and emotions racing through my mind that I felt compelled to start typing. So, here I am, joining the world of bloggers.

I have always wanted a family, but have been unable to find that man who captures my heart. I thought I had once, but my divorced status is an indication of how that turned out. (The topic of dating can be, and probably will be another blog!) I spent years of soul searching, reading, researching, and agonizing about choosing to be a single mom. I looked into adoption, but being a social worker, am painfully aware of the difficult process and the immense risks. Several months ago, with the help of an amazingly poignant book, I made the decision to pursue artificial insemination.

It was not an easy decision to come to, and has brought quite varied reactions from friends and family. Nonetheless, the decision has been made, and it has brought about the million thoughts and emotions that race through my mind daily. I made the decision months ago, and began the preparation process. I have had every imaginable blood test, probe, psychological evaluation, and invasive personal question posed by complete strangers. As I am discussing (translation: justifying!) why I want a child with yet another medical professional, I have to will myself not to get defensive.

My sister, whom I love dearly and is the greatest source of strength and support for me, accidentally got pregnant – twice. I don’t think she has ever been asked about her sexual history or questioned about her motivations for bearing her children. More irony! (She and her husband are wonderful parents to the 2 most amazing little girls, just for the record!)

I am currently waiting on a second round of tests to ensure that I am completely disease free. Another twist of irony! I’m sure no women with a communicable disease has ever given birth to a child. They just want to ensure that this sacred tradition is protected! (Important to note here that I am a social worker, which I’m sure, will be the subject of more ramblings. There’s a lot of material, ironic and not-so-ironic, there!)

What can only be expected from a life of ironic misfires, I have met an amazing man, who purports at times, to want marriage and children. Ironically, at other times, he has no idea what he wants and will pull away from anything even closely resembling a relationship. I’m in the holding pattern anyway, so I have little choice but to wait! This has opened yet another floodgate of feelings, however, and has become a terribly tragic, made-for-tv-movie, emotional roller coaster ride.

I would be shocked to find a little girl who dreams of growing up, finding the right doctor, having a litany of blood tests and psychological evaluations (I’m exaggerating a bit here for effect. Technically, I met with the social worker once, but I like the dramatic effect. It’s my blog!), downloading some essays about why a 25 year old frat boy has decided to sell his seed, going through pregnancy and labor on her own, having absolutely no sleep because there is no one there to share the crying of a newborn with, and then raising a child who will eventually place all of the blame for her woes squarely on your shoulders because he/she will have no one else to blame! Now that sounds like a fairy tale. I wonder why no one has written that one!

How can I be blamed for placing some hope on this new-founded “relationship?” I allowed (I’m speaking in past tense here to convince myself. It’s not crazy if you know you are doing it!) myself to believe that there could be a different path. I might not have to do this alone! I vacillate from this sense of hope to being angry with myself for allowing the hope to creep in, but I have realized (with the help of a friend) that I need to feel this. I need to let go of the ideal in order to move on with the reality.

So I am on my way….