Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Raving 101

There are so many thoughts and emotions racing through my mind that I felt compelled to start typing. So, here I am, joining the world of bloggers.

I have always wanted a family, but have been unable to find that man who captures my heart. I thought I had once, but my divorced status is an indication of how that turned out. (The topic of dating can be, and probably will be another blog!) I spent years of soul searching, reading, researching, and agonizing about choosing to be a single mom. I looked into adoption, but being a social worker, am painfully aware of the difficult process and the immense risks. Several months ago, with the help of an amazingly poignant book, I made the decision to pursue artificial insemination.

It was not an easy decision to come to, and has brought quite varied reactions from friends and family. Nonetheless, the decision has been made, and it has brought about the million thoughts and emotions that race through my mind daily. I made the decision months ago, and began the preparation process. I have had every imaginable blood test, probe, psychological evaluation, and invasive personal question posed by complete strangers. As I am discussing (translation: justifying!) why I want a child with yet another medical professional, I have to will myself not to get defensive.

My sister, whom I love dearly and is the greatest source of strength and support for me, accidentally got pregnant – twice. I don’t think she has ever been asked about her sexual history or questioned about her motivations for bearing her children. More irony! (She and her husband are wonderful parents to the 2 most amazing little girls, just for the record!)

I am currently waiting on a second round of tests to ensure that I am completely disease free. Another twist of irony! I’m sure no women with a communicable disease has ever given birth to a child. They just want to ensure that this sacred tradition is protected! (Important to note here that I am a social worker, which I’m sure, will be the subject of more ramblings. There’s a lot of material, ironic and not-so-ironic, there!)

What can only be expected from a life of ironic misfires, I have met an amazing man, who purports at times, to want marriage and children. Ironically, at other times, he has no idea what he wants and will pull away from anything even closely resembling a relationship. I’m in the holding pattern anyway, so I have little choice but to wait! This has opened yet another floodgate of feelings, however, and has become a terribly tragic, made-for-tv-movie, emotional roller coaster ride.

I would be shocked to find a little girl who dreams of growing up, finding the right doctor, having a litany of blood tests and psychological evaluations (I’m exaggerating a bit here for effect. Technically, I met with the social worker once, but I like the dramatic effect. It’s my blog!), downloading some essays about why a 25 year old frat boy has decided to sell his seed, going through pregnancy and labor on her own, having absolutely no sleep because there is no one there to share the crying of a newborn with, and then raising a child who will eventually place all of the blame for her woes squarely on your shoulders because he/she will have no one else to blame! Now that sounds like a fairy tale. I wonder why no one has written that one!

How can I be blamed for placing some hope on this new-founded “relationship?” I allowed (I’m speaking in past tense here to convince myself. It’s not crazy if you know you are doing it!) myself to believe that there could be a different path. I might not have to do this alone! I vacillate from this sense of hope to being angry with myself for allowing the hope to creep in, but I have realized (with the help of a friend) that I need to feel this. I need to let go of the ideal in order to move on with the reality.

So I am on my way….

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