Wednesday, January 30, 2008


I am at the depths of human emotion right now. To the point that writing is a chore. I force the words, hoping that they will take with them the pain in my core. It's a physical pain that consumes me. There are times that I become overwhelmed with life. I’m sure we all do, but this is about me. I write that, hoping to be funny, but what I see when I write the words is a desperate cry for something to be about me. For someone to come and ease the pain, or at least to acknowledge that it’s there and that they feel hurt to see it in my eyes.

It’s been a couple days since I wrote that first paragraph. I considered scrapping it and starting over, but it’s a good reminder of where I’ve been. Anger has come to relieve me of the rawness of the pain. Amazing how anger can be such a powerful friend. I’m sure the pain will return, but from experience I know that it will be less powerful when it does. That provides some comfort.

Specifics I am unable or unwilling to share at the moment. I’m not sure if it’s a fear of allowing others to see my core or a fear of having to face it myself. I choose to shroud myself in vagueness and hide from the realities until anger has stripped the pain of it’s devastating power.

Life, however, does go on without my permission and will eventually sweep me along with it.

Monday, January 14, 2008

And so it begins....

A little background: I belong to a “social networking” site, which is my covert way of saying an online dating site. I do not currently have an active dating profile, but participate in the forums pretty regularly. I’ve also made some acquaintances that I correspond with and have directed many of them to this blog. I am posting a recent email that I received, not because I am angry, but because this is a common sentiment when I inform anyone of my decision to use this babymaking route.

“hmmm !!! i just meant , that your making something happen that's suppose to happen naturally ....there is a reason why you are not with child ...what it is , i don't know ......i just feel that you should make things happen ...sort of like your playing god !! have you thought about the babies feelings ...growing up without a dad , and all the other things ......does this make you selfish ? to only think of what you want ? ...ok, ok ,,,i quit ....this too deep for me ...... i would just rather float down the river in a kayak ,and see where it takes me”

I have thought about all of these things, agonizing over many of them. Here is what I came up with…Does anything really happen naturally? Aren’t we active participants, guiding our own paths? I do realize this isn’t the “traditional” path for having a baby, but many things in life have evolved beyond the traditional. The reason I don’t have a child isn’t part of some grand plan. It’s a product of choices I’ve made and choices I’ve not made. I refuse to get into a relationship with the sole purpose of parenting. I’ve been a wife. It isn’t the same job as being a mother. They have very different responsibilities involved in them. Why is it a necessity to take on the role of wife before or at the same time as mother? Many women do this (become mothers) unintentionally. I am amazed at how so many people are accepting of that, but somehow think that actively making this decision is somehow less worthy. I have put hours upon hours of consideration into this decision. I would venture to guess the majority of parents, even the ones in loving, stable relationships, haven’t done the sole searching I have done prior to having a child.

The other argument I hear is the “growing up without a dad” sentiment. Will my child be the only one without a dad? It’s such an absurd argument. With over 50% of marriages ending in divorce and countless numbers of children being raised in single parent households, I doubt that my decision is as scandalous as some would make it seem. My child will not have been “abandoned” by anyone. There will be no dad who chose to have limited or no contact. There will be no split household which requires shuffling back and forth between worlds. As for the “other things” that my child will be without, I cannot fathom what they could be. My income is higher than a significant number of 2 parent households, and I have an unbelievably supportive family and group of friends. That’s so much more than many children have. Does that make me selfish? Possibly. But tell me, does anyone have a child for purely unselfish reasons?!

I have never been the “float down the river” kind of person. I have always had direction and drive. I work hard for what I want and am not afraid to face any challenge. My child will be completely and fully desired. He or she will not just be something that happened in my life!

Sunday, January 6, 2008


Ahhh, wanderlust! It is an incredible thing, but can also be quite unsettling. My wanderlust runs deeper than my means to indulge it! Luckily, I am one of those people who can get lost in a good book, and it comes close to fulfilling the need to escape and explore. Or again, maybe I am just really good at fooling myself.

I have reached that stage in my life where my mortality has become a reality. The path that I am choosing will limit my freedoms (and my ability to indulge in the often felt wanderlust) and it frightens me, but I have to choose a path. I can’t continue to meander through my life, waiting….. I watched Notes on a Scandal and one of the lines struck a chord with me. I am in the space between life as you dream it and life as it is. I can’t let go of the dream, but am painfully aware of the reality.

I did indulge in some good wine this weekend and spent some time with friends. I also spent some time dreaming of new adventures!

Wednesday, January 2, 2008


Seems I’m actually pretty perceptive! I was not wrong about “amazing man’s” retreat! Small victory, to be right. He has informed me that he does not want a relationship. Basically, he’s not ready for a relationship, with me or anyone else. He said that he likes me and likes spending time with me, but he’s not in love with me. (Ouch!) He feels like he’s hurting me, and he would rather lose me as a friend than continue to hurt me.

Now, I know this sounds bad, but I do think he’s sincere. For those of you who don’t know me, this piece of info is important: We are not physically intimate. So, he isn’t “using” me, which seems to be the popular assumption.

Back to me because it is my blog! I have to decide what I can handle. Can I continue to hang out with him without feeling rejected? I don’t want to lose him. We have developed a great friendship. But will my secret hope be that he will fall in love with me? I just don’t know.