Thursday, June 26, 2008


I am struggling as a write this, but hoping it will act as a catharsis as much as a kept promise to keep up! I am not pregnant, again. This was definitely the hardest one thus far. I had convinced myself that I was pregnant. I’m not sure that’s the right thing to do, but it’s impossible to lock the thoughts out of my mind. It’s the hope that gets to you. It’s the proverbial double-edged sword. On one hand, I truly believe that a positive attitude can work miracles, but I also am a realist and know that I can’t make it happen. Building up the hope makes the fall even harder. Wow. I’m full of clichés today!!

For the last two days (I got confirmation of my non-pregnant status on Tues evening), I have decided that being angry is easier than crying all day. So I’m angry at the world! At the injustice and the unfairness, and at those who judge my choices, and at those who take for granted their ability to have children!

On top of that, there are only 2 vials of my chosen donor’s sperm left! The donor selection process is not something I am looking forward to doing again!

However, the anger is already lessening. I’m not an angry person, so it’s difficult for me to maintain that level of intensity. I have already begun to look forward, planning for the next round. They will be monitoring my hormone levels this round following insemination to ensure that my uterus becomes implantable.

I am also looking into acupuncture. Although there is no reason at this point to suspect infertility, there has been a great deal of research about the benefits of acupuncture for infertility. It can’t hurt, right?

I will try to write more when I come to terms with my own emotions.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Is this a test?

I am officially bad at following directions! I’m not sure what this implies for my future mothering skills, but I’m pretty sure it declares my age. I used to be overly organized. But I have yet to get this fertility testing/insemination process correct. In my defense, I did actually follow the directions on the back of the ovulation monitoring kit, but those directions are for “direct deposit.” Since I’m taking a less traditional route, the timing is a bit different.

Basically, around the 13th day of my cycle (which just means 13 days after the start of my period), I begin testing for ovulation. You do this by peeing on a stick, which measures the level of LH (luteinizing hormone), triggering release of an egg. The digital monitor, purchased at the drug store, indicates this with a smiley face. The kit instructs you to test in the morning, so that you have a 24-36 hour timeframe in which to fertilize the egg. The nurse explained that this is b/c most people will test in the morning in order to plan their evening activities when trying to conceive. I, however, am supposed to test in the evening because I get inseminated during the day. I didn’t realize this flip flopped time schedule during the first 2 tries, although when I called in for to schedule the 2nd try, they got me in that day b/c she didn’t want me to wait until the next day.

So for this round, I was to begin testing last night. I worked late and then went to a program with a friend after work. As an aside, it was a really cool program. It’s called Science Café, and was about cryptography last night. It’s held at the Great Lakes Brewery and is sponsored by the Case (Case Western Reserve University) chapter of Sigma Xi. Since it was held at the brewery, I was almost required to have a beer, right? Well anyway, I did, which meant by the end of the program I really had to pee. I arrived home at about 8pm and remember that I was scheduled to pee on the stick, so I went upstairs to do this. Being the hyper vigilant direction follower that I thought I was, I once again read the package. Well, I need to have not peed for 4 hours before taking the “test.” So, I wait, not really expecting a smiley face anyway, so what’s the harm.

At about 11pm when I decide to head off to bed, I first pee on the stick, with sort of an obligatory feeling. It’s too early, but I’m supposed to start now, so I will. I do the bedtime routine stuff, brush my teeth, blah, blah, blah, and go back into the bathroom to glance at the stick. There is a smiley face staring back at me. My first thought is….I did it wrong! Then….it’s affected by beer! I did have that beer at the Science Café thing. I read the directions again, and then panic. I’ve screwed this up again. It’s too late to call the lab to let them know I’m coming in the morning. What if I’ve missed my window of opportunity? I knew I was in for a rough night! I decide to test again in the morning and then just call first thing (I have to be at work early anyway) to see if I can get in. It takes me about 2 hours to fall asleep!

I wake up in the morning with a preemptive feeling of disappointment. I have convinced myself in my sleep that I’ve missed my ovulation period. You know the morning routine, so I won’t go into that, but when I look at the stick, to my surprise there is a smiley face brightening my morning! I can’t begin to tell you the feeling of possibility that silly smiley face brings.

The actual insemination process is getting easier. Much like the feeling I got walking into my dad’s hospital room, the familiarity come easily. It’s an odd familiarity, though. One that you don’t want, yet it offers comfort and creates a calmness that I have trouble creating on the drive over. The procedure itself is very simple, which is such a bizarre juxtaposition to its monumental meaning, but the nurses are incredibly skilled at creating a caring environment. Today, she almost feels like a friend.

I’m trying to relax and go about my normal daily routine, but the possible disappointment looms heavy.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Ahhh life!

Here I am….behind again! There are several reasons (i.e. excuses!) for this, which I will spare you. But I’m here to give the recap and get back on track! A promise to myself as much as to you readers.

I am not pregnant….again. It was much more disappointing this time, and I am having a hard time staying positive. I know I’ve only tried twice, but reality is now a little too real! If that makes any sense. It’s difficult to continue with life because there is so much unknown about this baby thing. Should I sell my house and move? Should I plan a vacation? Should I date? Should I be saving my time off and my money? I feel like I’m on hold! And I really hate that feeling! I used to live that way. Like I was waiting for my life to begin….and now I’m back there. Just waiting.

My life is now lived in 2 week segments, with peeing on a stick as the culmination of each segment. Ironically, the fertility testing, which started out as the disappointing “test,” has now become the one that doesn’t let me down. I can’t begin to describe the feelings that I have experienced in the 3 minutes it takes to complete a pregnancy test. The absence of a line dictating the course of my life. There is so much emotion wrapped up into that little act. My mom was here for the most recent disappointment. Maybe that made it more disappointing! She would have loved being there for the “knowing!” Of course, I will call her after each time, but being present would have been special for her, and for me.

I joined this online support group for “Single Moms by Choice.” That’s the catch phrase for women who do what I’m doing. It also includes women who adopt alone, but I don’t see as many of those postings. I’m not sure it’s helping. People tend to seek out a support group when things are difficult, not when they are fabulous, so the majority of the postings just serve to scare me more. I want someone to tell me that it’s going to be ok. That I will get pregnant!

I begin fertility testing again on Monday (June 9th), and will try to make blogging more of a priority!