Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Ahhh life!

Here I am….behind again! There are several reasons (i.e. excuses!) for this, which I will spare you. But I’m here to give the recap and get back on track! A promise to myself as much as to you readers.

I am not pregnant….again. It was much more disappointing this time, and I am having a hard time staying positive. I know I’ve only tried twice, but reality is now a little too real! If that makes any sense. It’s difficult to continue with life because there is so much unknown about this baby thing. Should I sell my house and move? Should I plan a vacation? Should I date? Should I be saving my time off and my money? I feel like I’m on hold! And I really hate that feeling! I used to live that way. Like I was waiting for my life to begin….and now I’m back there. Just waiting.

My life is now lived in 2 week segments, with peeing on a stick as the culmination of each segment. Ironically, the fertility testing, which started out as the disappointing “test,” has now become the one that doesn’t let me down. I can’t begin to describe the feelings that I have experienced in the 3 minutes it takes to complete a pregnancy test. The absence of a line dictating the course of my life. There is so much emotion wrapped up into that little act. My mom was here for the most recent disappointment. Maybe that made it more disappointing! She would have loved being there for the “knowing!” Of course, I will call her after each time, but being present would have been special for her, and for me.

I joined this online support group for “Single Moms by Choice.” That’s the catch phrase for women who do what I’m doing. It also includes women who adopt alone, but I don’t see as many of those postings. I’m not sure it’s helping. People tend to seek out a support group when things are difficult, not when they are fabulous, so the majority of the postings just serve to scare me more. I want someone to tell me that it’s going to be ok. That I will get pregnant!

I begin fertility testing again on Monday (June 9th), and will try to make blogging more of a priority!

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