I am struggling as a write this, but hoping it will act as a catharsis as much as a kept promise to keep up! I am not pregnant, again. This was definitely the hardest one thus far. I had convinced myself that I was pregnant. I’m not sure that’s the right thing to do, but it’s impossible to lock the thoughts out of my mind. It’s the hope that gets to you. It’s the proverbial double-edged sword. On one hand, I truly believe that a positive attitude can work miracles, but I also am a realist and know that I can’t make it happen. Building up the hope makes the fall even harder. Wow. I’m full of clichés today!!
For the last two days (I got confirmation of my non-pregnant status on Tues evening), I have decided that being angry is easier than crying all day. So I’m angry at the world! At the injustice and the unfairness, and at those who judge my choices, and at those who take for granted their ability to have children!
On top of that, there are only 2 vials of my chosen donor’s sperm left! The donor selection process is not something I am looking forward to doing again!
However, the anger is already lessening. I’m not an angry person, so it’s difficult for me to maintain that level of intensity. I have already begun to look forward, planning for the next round. They will be monitoring my hormone levels this round following insemination to ensure that my uterus becomes implantable.
I am also looking into acupuncture. Although there is no reason at this point to suspect infertility, there has been a great deal of research about the benefits of acupuncture for infertility. It can’t hurt, right?
I will try to write more when I come to terms with my own emotions.