Still in the game!

Yesterday was my fourth insemination. The feelings are a bit different and it surprises me. I think it’s self-protection. I am an expert at compartmentalizing!! Not always a good thing, but in this case, I’m grateful for the skill. The procedure itself was pretty standard. I had a new nurse, which felt a little strange. It’s weird the relationship you develop with these people. They are the ones present for this would be miracle. I imagine it’s similar to what people who go through a crisis together feel. You are somehow fighting the same cause. They may not feel the same way, but those are my emotional experiences. And, again, it’ s my blog, so it’s all about me!!

As you can see, my mood is on the upswing. The last two weeks were really difficult. The anger ebbed and flowed, and I struggled with putting myself through this again. But in the end, the plan was to go forward. I chose to abide by the plan and not my current emotional state. I have one more round of sperm that I’ve already purchased and then will need to choose a new donor. I think at that point I will take a break for a month or two. It’s unbelievably difficult to live with the uncertainty from week to week.

The adoption issue. I considered adoption, and have not ruled it out it. When I decided to do this single parenting thing, I weighed all my options and the pros and cons of each. Very carefully, in fact. It took me about 2 years to make the actual decision to move forward with artificial insemination. Here is my thought process. I would love to adopt, but decided that adopting a child younger than my nieces was important. They are almost 4 and almost 2. I felt this was important because having worked with the child welfare system for many many years, I am painfully aware of the problems that can arise with these children. I don’t want to put my nieces in a position to be victimized. At this point, I’m left with the option of adopting an infant. This is next to impossible as a single person, unless you go with international adoption. After looking into international adoption, which can cost up to $50,000 or more, I decided that artificial insemination was a much better first step. I will attempt this for a year. If it doesn’t happen, I will pursue adoption, either internationally adopting an infant or waiting until my nieces are older and adopting an older child domestically.

I’m going to try posting more frequently throughout the two week waiting period with shorter updates on my emotions for the day. We’ll see how that goes. Today I am fluctuating between being hopeful, searching for that “you just know” feeling that women talk about, and pushing it out of mind as an avoidance of possible disappointment. I am constantly being told, “just put it out of your mind and it will happen.” I have no earthly idea how to put it out of my mind, but I’m trying!!!

Any comments/questions are welcomed and appreciated.