There's no place like home

What a crazy busy weekend!!! I finally had a free evening, and Jason stayed after work to play poker. So Friday night ended up being a “do stuff around the house” night. We were having a realtor come over on Sat, so it was probably best that I was forced to find something productive to do. So I spent the evening clipping coupons, making beds, and scrubbing the bathroom. All the while, recalling the days when Friday evening was about nothing but getting dressed up and going out. Those days seem so long ago!!


Saturday, I had a mandatory compliance meeting for my new business venture. Was pretty interesting, but nothing I didn’t know. I flew home after the meeting and had 2 hours to prepare for the realtor. I was under the delusion that I could deny the reality of the market by making my house sparkling clean. Jason and CJ had done a great job doing the basics that morning, but there were still some details to finish. They are boys after all! We get everything looking fabulous and even put some artwork up, including some really cool wall stickers above our bed because we don’t have a headboard. (We had subtle Wizard of Oz theme to our wedding, so it seemed appropriate. See below.)

Once this is all done, I say to CJ, “Is your room clean?” He, of course, says yes. So I say, “Clean to my standards or clean to your standards.” He admits it’s somewhere in the middle, and I know I’m going to have to go up there and check. He occupies the third floor walk up attic, and I’ve tried to avoid venturing up there since he moved in. But I know it’s inevitable. Before I cave, I send Jason into the abyss….. and then he comes back down and says what I’ve been dreading….”You are going to have to go up there!” So I steel myself against what I might find and walk up the stairs. And then the panic sets in. The man who will determine my fate (I know I’m being dramatic, but we really want out of the house/neighborhood!) will be here in 30 mins. This could take years! I knew that teenage boys were messy, but this….this is…..there are no words. And this was after he cleaned it! Thankfully, some unknown force are sheer brute strength and will took over. I began barking orders, shoving things under the bed, into drawers, wherever I could hide the junk. And I literally mean junk! (Note to self: Discuss possible hoarding tendencies with Jason and maybe find out how much weight the top floor of our house will support!)

Thankfully, the man was late! So Jason and I were able to compose ourselves, pour a drink and sit on the front porch looking like it was effortless before the man arrived.

We all know where this is going right? Unless you live under a rock that is buried in a cave covered in prehistoric sludge, you know we are underwater on our mortgage! And I think in the back of my mind, I knew it would be bad. The reality, for me, stings. For Jason, it hurt a little more! He’s still reeling a bit. I mean, I bought this house almost 12 years ago, and thought I got a pretty good deal back then. It was a fixer-upper (fun in the beginning, but I have since vowed to never undergo any form of renovation on a home older than 10 years!), and I’ve put a ton of work into it. And so has Jason. His more recent, which is why I think he’s still in shock! So, our only choices are to stay and deal with the drama that is our street or ruin my credit by defaulting or begging for a short sale. I know in the end we will do the right thing. We are both so damn responsible! But for now, we enjoy plotting our escape!

To console ourselves, and because CJ went to a haunted house with a friend, we had a real live date night at home! I made steaks, roasted potatoes and caprese salad, and then we played a video game on the Wii. No one can tell me that doesn’t count! It totally counts as a date!

Sunday was spent at my dad’s doing the winterizing chores and the yard work. We got some free plants out of the deal so we can finish the back yard landscaping, and we were well-fed. So all-in-all, it was a pretty nice weekend in total.

Saggy pants!

A million thoughts were running through my head this morning about what to put into today’s blog post, but as I sat at a red light on my way to work, I saw a man and his son (probably around 5-7 years old) crossing the street. At first it was one of those sweet early morning sights that make you smile. There is some construction on E 22nd near my office, so there are orange barrels at the corner and near them the street is wet from whatever they are doing. The dad, starting across the street first does that half jump, half tip-toe we all do through water, and holds his hand behind him signaling for his son. His son now begins to cross the street, attempting to do exactly what his dad had done, but has to jump/tip-toe at least 5 times to his dad’s one, but he never takes his eyes off his dad as he reaches for his hand. They then clasp hands and walk the rest of the way across the street, the son beaming with pride. And then I see the back of dad, his jeans, belt and all, hanging below his butt cheeks, boxers completely exposed, sagging halfway down his legs, and I am instantly irritated! It almost deflated me. I was angry with him for taking this moment away from me. I so wanted to be proud of him for walking his son to school and being that role-model, but I was just so damn disappointed with the saggy pants.


Then the therapist mind kicks in. Why does this bother me so much? He’s still walking his son to school. He still held his hand across the street. His son obviously adores him and wants to be just like him. I think that’s it. He wants to be just like him, saggy pants and all. This kid will eventually be that same punk kid with saggy pants I see all over Cleveland! Or am I just angry (read: jealous) because I feel like I’ve sold out? I gave up my own versions of saggy pants to get ahead in my career. It’s an interesting question, which I’m sure I will continue to think about. What I do know is that those damn saggy pants set me on a path of irritation that isn’t easy to get rid of at work! Just another reason to hate visible boxers!

Here’s a brief synopsis of the other thoughts running through my head this morning:

• My step-son, CJ, got a job!!! Big news in our house because since moving in his days consist of playing on Facebook, watching tv, and playing guitar. Oh most recently, he’s taking up singing. Now, he has a natural amazing talent for guitar, even though I would still like him to get a paying job! He considers himself an unsigned artist and wants to focus on his music! He really needed to get a job. Let me state for the record. He is not a singer. My friend, L, called me a dream killer for saying that, but let’s all remember….I’m a realist!

• Now that I’ve accepted the fate of the childless, my husband has decided it’s his mission to get me pregnant. Sounds fun, right? Except, his plan if for me to give up gluten! I know, makes no sense. I do not have celiac disease, but he heard Elizabeth Hasselbeck talk about how she struggled getting pregnant until she discovered she had a gluten allergy. I have tried to convince him that there are some other differences between Elizabeth and I, but he has apparently never had a biology class. She’s in her teens and I’m going to be 42 in a month!

• My complete and utter lack of free time, and I’ve now decided to take on another job. While I’m excited about it, I’m also terrified that I will never sleep again. And I just got married. I would like to spend some time with my husband! Does sitting on the couch eating dinner and watching The Office at 9pm count as a date?

Speaking of: I worked yesterday until about 7:30pm, and then made dinner. We ate at about 8:30. I made sweet Italian sausage with sautéed onions, pear, and gorgonzola cheese. It was super yummy, only took me about ½ hour and dirtied one pan! Let me know if you want more detail!

How things change!!!

It has been years (shocking how many actually!) since I’ve looked back upon this blog. As I read it, some of the pain rushes back with that tingly sensation of having been asleep for a period of time. I don’t really recall when or how I made the decision to turn my back on this blog. I just know that I did, and I think I had to. As we all know, I’m not good at being vulnerable and those wounds were just too deep and too exposed to face. Even now as I look back with so much perspective and an entirely different life, so different, in fact, that it’s somewhat difficult to picture the old one, I can still feel that pain to my core, sharp and biting as ever. Most days it’s pretty well buried and I don’t even notice it. But even now, three years later, some event, image, sound, word, it’s pretty unpredictable really, will send me to my knees in tears.


Having said all of that, I am happy. Truly, deeply happy. I have mourned the loss and have moved into a wonderful emotional place. Toward the end of the “trying to get pregnant” process, I met a man who has become that person in my life that I had stopped believing possible. He was sweet and supportive from the beginning and held my hand and my heart through some pretty horrific grieving. We are now married and building a life together. It’s a crazy, messy, goofy, unpredictable life, and I really couldn’t be happier.

As I read back over all the posts and re-experience all the emotions, I can’t help reflect on how different I seem/feel, I’m not sure which of those words portrays the thoughts. I’ve always thought of myself as a strong person, and as I read the blog I can still sense that inner strength that I held onto through that process, but I feel stronger now. Or maybe it’s surer. Is that even a word? It doesn’t set off my spell check so I’m feeling ok about using it, and I think it more accurately effects how I’m feeling. I feel sure, grounded, this sense of peace and security that wraps me up like a warm blanket. And I feel softer. I’m less afraid and more willing be vulnerable.


And I miss writing!!! So this in my new attempt at blogging. I’m going to try to be better at timeliness, but I’m making no promises. Currently my life is about, work and family. Work is work and I’d like to avoid it as much as possible, but I’m sure it will sneak in here now and again, but family will be my focus. Since I work so much, (and I’ve just taken on another part-time job!) home is a delicate juggling act. For the most part I think I manage it pretty well, so I’m going to put it out there for review. Be gentle please.


My current obsession is real, organic, healthy eating. I cook, from scratch, almost every night. And it’s good! Even my brother-in-law and my friend L*, who both have the palate of toddlers, (ok maybe pre-teens) think it’s good. But there are a million cooking blogs, so while I may focus on some cooking this isn’t strictly a cooking blog. I plan to take license to write about whatever strikes me, but I’ll at least let you know what I’m cooking. Deal? Good, then here we go…..

I know a lot of you are wondering what has happened since I haven't written in a while. I am currently "on a break." I did try in Nov and was hugely disappointed again. I think I needed to not think about it for a while. I can't even begin to describe the emotional toll this has taken, and for those of you who have followed this blog, you are aware that I'm not good at being vulnerable. I tend to avoid! So, that's what I am doing....avoiding. My current plan is to start trying again after the holidays, and I am working on being more "raw" in my writing.

Happy Holidays to everyone and thank you all for the warm wishes and support!!!

Disappointment

Well, I am not pregnant. I attempted to construct a blog the day I found out, but couldn't bring myself to form the words. I can't begin to describe the level of disappointment I am feeling. I couldn't even form tears this time. I was numb. I think I still am to a degree, because I need to choose a new donor and haven't been able to bring myself to even review the options. I am at a standstill. I may take this month off to regroup.

My mother is still in town, and she, my sister, and I are headed out of town on Fri for a long weekend. I'm hoping this will help to rejuvinate me. The next try will be another assisted IUI, so I need to decide soon, but I've decided not to pressure myself.

I want to thank everyone for the continued support! I can't tell you how appreciated it is.

I'll keep you posted.

Pins and needles

I know all of you are shocked that I am behind in posting again!!! Wait until I also have a baby to take care of. I’ll never be on time for anything again.

Here’s the scoop. This round, I did an assisted IUI, meaning they trigged my ovulation in order to control the timing. On the 12th day of my cycle I went in for a vaginal ultrasound. Now I have to stop here, and point out that there can’t possibly be that many blogs with the word vaginal in them, so savor this moment please. Anyway, for those of you who’ve never had one, it’s an interesting experience. It’s not painful or uncomfortable, just odd. It’s basically a big plastic probe with an ultrasound “camera” on the end. They look for mature follicles and if they find one big enough, you get a shot of ovadril to trigger the egg to be released.

What amazes me about all of these medical procedures is how secretive the doctors are about all of this. I am naked (vaginal and naked in the same blog post, I need to point out!) from the waist down and lying on the table with my feet in the stirrups. Imagine that! And the have the camera completely turned away so you can’t see what’s going on and are talking in hushed tones like I’m not in the room. What is that about?? We are inside my body. I think I have the right to see it. And it’s not like it’s surgery. I can’t even tell what the picture is of. Because, of course, I looked at the screen when I was able to get up, and I didn’t do it subtly!

I am learning so many of the hilarities of the medical profession! Anyway, then the reproduction nurse takes me into the regular exam room and teaches me how to administer this shot of ovadril to myself. Oh yes, you read that right. I had to give myself a shot!!! Now, before you go getting all proud of me….I totally chickened out and had my friend Mike come over and give me the shot. Sorry, I’m disappointed in myself as well. Would have made for better copy if I had this dramatic story about giving this shot to myself. As it turns out, the shot isn’t that bad, and I probably could have done it. But who knew!

He gives me the shot in my stomach, and the needle is pretty tiny, so I don’t even really feel a prick. I admit, I’m a baby. In general, shots don’t bother me that much, but the thought of giving it to myself did make me weak in the knees! I think this is where I will blame my sister because I didn’t get that worked up about it until I talked to her and she was freaked out about it and offered to drive over to do it. (Note: I still love you D!)

That Sat, I go in for the insemination, which was pretty routine, although I did have that horrible cramping like I did the first round, so I spent the day in bed. Now, I am waiting. I will know in a few days, but for some reason I don’t think it worked. I’m not really sure why I’m feeling that way other than my body feels like it does pre-menstrual. Many of the “symptoms” of pregnancy are the same, so I could be wrong, but I’m not getting my hopes up. This may be a bit self-protective as well, because the let down has been getting harder each time! I am not sure what day to expect my period, as I didn’t even count days this round. I could easily figure it out, but I am trying to not focus on it as much.

I promise I will post when I know! Everyone think baby thoughts!!!

Betrayed by my body

Seems I am taking this month off. I’m not sure what happened exactly. I suspect, or maybe hope, that it’s related to the HSG. I did not get a smiley face on the Ovulation Predictor Kit this month. It doesn’t necessarily mean that I didn’t ovulate. I will find that out next week when I have the blood test for progesterone levels again, but it does mean that my LH did not reach a high enough level to trigger the positive result on the test strip.

I have no idea how common this is or if I should be concerned. I choose to wait and see. I am a bit disappointed because I had read about women getting pregnant the cycle that they had the HSG. Anything will do when you need to hang your hopes on something! I am choosing to keep a positive attitude and just “go with the flow” like everyone has been telling me to do.

I was planning to take a month off anyway. This wasn’t the way I had intended on doing it, but oh well! As I am painfully aware, sometimes life takes you on a different path than the one you planned on taking.

Deep down I am terrified, but I can’t really bring it into awareness for too long because I am not yet ready to deal with the possibility of this path being a dead end.