Struggle

I am at the depths of human emotion right now. To the point that writing is a chore. I force the words, hoping that they will take with them the pain in my core. It's a physical pain that consumes me. There are times that I become overwhelmed with life. I’m sure we all do, but this is about me. I write that, hoping to be funny, but what I see when I write the words is a desperate cry for something to be about me. For someone to come and ease the pain, or at least to acknowledge that it’s there and that they feel hurt to see it in my eyes.

It’s been a couple days since I wrote that first paragraph. I considered scrapping it and starting over, but it’s a good reminder of where I’ve been. Anger has come to relieve me of the rawness of the pain. Amazing how anger can be such a powerful friend. I’m sure the pain will return, but from experience I know that it will be less powerful when it does. That provides some comfort.

Specifics I am unable or unwilling to share at the moment. I’m not sure if it’s a fear of allowing others to see my core or a fear of having to face it myself. I choose to shroud myself in vagueness and hide from the realities until anger has stripped the pain of it’s devastating power.

Life, however, does go on without my permission and will eventually sweep me along with it.

And so it begins....

A little background: I belong to a “social networking” site, which is my covert way of saying an online dating site. I do not currently have an active dating profile, but participate in the forums pretty regularly. I’ve also made some acquaintances that I correspond with and have directed many of them to this blog. I am posting a recent email that I received, not because I am angry, but because this is a common sentiment when I inform anyone of my decision to use this babymaking route.

“hmmm !!! i just meant , that your making something happen that's suppose to happen naturally ....there is a reason why you are not with child ...what it is , i don't know ......i just feel that you should make things happen ...sort of like your playing god !! have you thought about the babies feelings ...growing up without a dad , and all the other things ......does this make you selfish ? to only think of what you want ? ...ok, ok ,,,i quit ....this too deep for me ...... i would just rather float down the river in a kayak ,and see where it takes me”

I have thought about all of these things, agonizing over many of them. Here is what I came up with…Does anything really happen naturally? Aren’t we active participants, guiding our own paths? I do realize this isn’t the “traditional” path for having a baby, but many things in life have evolved beyond the traditional. The reason I don’t have a child isn’t part of some grand plan. It’s a product of choices I’ve made and choices I’ve not made. I refuse to get into a relationship with the sole purpose of parenting. I’ve been a wife. It isn’t the same job as being a mother. They have very different responsibilities involved in them. Why is it a necessity to take on the role of wife before or at the same time as mother? Many women do this (become mothers) unintentionally. I am amazed at how so many people are accepting of that, but somehow think that actively making this decision is somehow less worthy. I have put hours upon hours of consideration into this decision. I would venture to guess the majority of parents, even the ones in loving, stable relationships, haven’t done the sole searching I have done prior to having a child.

The other argument I hear is the “growing up without a dad” sentiment. Will my child be the only one without a dad? It’s such an absurd argument. With over 50% of marriages ending in divorce and countless numbers of children being raised in single parent households, I doubt that my decision is as scandalous as some would make it seem. My child will not have been “abandoned” by anyone. There will be no dad who chose to have limited or no contact. There will be no split household which requires shuffling back and forth between worlds. As for the “other things” that my child will be without, I cannot fathom what they could be. My income is higher than a significant number of 2 parent households, and I have an unbelievably supportive family and group of friends. That’s so much more than many children have. Does that make me selfish? Possibly. But tell me, does anyone have a child for purely unselfish reasons?!

I have never been the “float down the river” kind of person. I have always had direction and drive. I work hard for what I want and am not afraid to face any challenge. My child will be completely and fully desired. He or she will not just be something that happened in my life!

Wanderlust

Ahhh, wanderlust! It is an incredible thing, but can also be quite unsettling. My wanderlust runs deeper than my means to indulge it! Luckily, I am one of those people who can get lost in a good book, and it comes close to fulfilling the need to escape and explore. Or again, maybe I am just really good at fooling myself.

I have reached that stage in my life where my mortality has become a reality. The path that I am choosing will limit my freedoms (and my ability to indulge in the often felt wanderlust) and it frightens me, but I have to choose a path. I can’t continue to meander through my life, waiting….. I watched Notes on a Scandal and one of the lines struck a chord with me. I am in the space between life as you dream it and life as it is. I can’t let go of the dream, but am painfully aware of the reality.

I did indulge in some good wine this weekend and spent some time with friends. I also spent some time dreaming of new adventures!

Ugh!

Seems I’m actually pretty perceptive! I was not wrong about “amazing man’s” retreat! Small victory, to be right. He has informed me that he does not want a relationship. Basically, he’s not ready for a relationship, with me or anyone else. He said that he likes me and likes spending time with me, but he’s not in love with me. (Ouch!) He feels like he’s hurting me, and he would rather lose me as a friend than continue to hurt me.

Now, I know this sounds bad, but I do think he’s sincere. For those of you who don’t know me, this piece of info is important: We are not physically intimate. So, he isn’t “using” me, which seems to be the popular assumption.

Back to me because it is my blog! I have to decide what I can handle. Can I continue to hang out with him without feeling rejected? I don’t want to lose him. We have developed a great friendship. But will my secret hope be that he will fall in love with me? I just don’t know.

Random Ravings

Why is it that the people who clearly do not understand traffic laws are the ones who feel compelled to enforce it??? If you insist on driving the wrong way in the parking lot, please refrain from flashing obscene gestures in my direction when our cars meet!

I have yet again failed to experience the wonder and joy that is the Christmas season. There isn't one ounce of fun involved in shopping during the holidays! I have decided that Christmas shopping should always involve wine. That would make it at least tolerable. How can I get that decreed?

Why isn't there a handicapped zone at the airport? I had to pick my mother and grandmother up from the airport. Sounds simple enough, right? Well, they are both in wheelchairs and had a total of 4 checked bags and 2 carry ons. I debated whether to park or to pick them up at baggage claim. Parking sounded much like the game where you have to get a fox, a chicken, and some corn across the river. I would have made at least 10 trips from the car into the airport and back! So I went the baggage claim route. They can both walk, but ride in a wheel chair when there is any distance involved. My mom met me at the curb and I made several trips into the airport to get the luggage and my grandmother in the wheelchair. All the while the traffic cop is yelling at me that I can't just park there and leave my car! Apparently he has that rare form of blindness that doesn't allow him to see people in wheelchairs! What was I supposed to do??? Maybe my 80 year old, wheelchair bound grandmother really does look like a terrorist! I'm really not an expert on terrorism and I just see her as grandma.

Update on "amazing man:" The pendulum has swung back the other way and he has pulled back again. We have both been really busy with family in town for the holidays, or am I just making excuses for him? I really don't know, but I am way too tired to think about it now. It's been a rough week! I will write more about that later!

A question of sanity?

I had a date with “amazing man” last night. He was in a great mood and was exceptionally affectionate. For all of you that are cheering, this is a double-edged sword! As much as I try to thwart the wave of thoughts, they fill my brain like a flood. “Are we moving forward?” “Is it enough?” “Will he pull back again?” “Should I be patient, give him time to figure out what he wants?” “How long is too long to wait?” “Am I waiting for something that isn’t going to happen?” “I’m not willing to give up my dreams!” “Can I really do this alone?”

Let me repeat that last one. “Can I really do this alone?” That’s really what it boils down to. I know all of the intellectual arguments, and the reality is; Yes, I can do this alone. Women do it all the time. The question is really a matter of fear! Or maybe it’s insanity! Or fear of insanity! Let’s face it, what sane person chooses to do this alone????

Raving 101

There are so many thoughts and emotions racing through my mind that I felt compelled to start typing. So, here I am, joining the world of bloggers.

I have always wanted a family, but have been unable to find that man who captures my heart. I thought I had once, but my divorced status is an indication of how that turned out. (The topic of dating can be, and probably will be another blog!) I spent years of soul searching, reading, researching, and agonizing about choosing to be a single mom. I looked into adoption, but being a social worker, am painfully aware of the difficult process and the immense risks. Several months ago, with the help of an amazingly poignant book, I made the decision to pursue artificial insemination.

It was not an easy decision to come to, and has brought quite varied reactions from friends and family. Nonetheless, the decision has been made, and it has brought about the million thoughts and emotions that race through my mind daily. I made the decision months ago, and began the preparation process. I have had every imaginable blood test, probe, psychological evaluation, and invasive personal question posed by complete strangers. As I am discussing (translation: justifying!) why I want a child with yet another medical professional, I have to will myself not to get defensive.

My sister, whom I love dearly and is the greatest source of strength and support for me, accidentally got pregnant – twice. I don’t think she has ever been asked about her sexual history or questioned about her motivations for bearing her children. More irony! (She and her husband are wonderful parents to the 2 most amazing little girls, just for the record!)

I am currently waiting on a second round of tests to ensure that I am completely disease free. Another twist of irony! I’m sure no women with a communicable disease has ever given birth to a child. They just want to ensure that this sacred tradition is protected! (Important to note here that I am a social worker, which I’m sure, will be the subject of more ramblings. There’s a lot of material, ironic and not-so-ironic, there!)

What can only be expected from a life of ironic misfires, I have met an amazing man, who purports at times, to want marriage and children. Ironically, at other times, he has no idea what he wants and will pull away from anything even closely resembling a relationship. I’m in the holding pattern anyway, so I have little choice but to wait! This has opened yet another floodgate of feelings, however, and has become a terribly tragic, made-for-tv-movie, emotional roller coaster ride.

I would be shocked to find a little girl who dreams of growing up, finding the right doctor, having a litany of blood tests and psychological evaluations (I’m exaggerating a bit here for effect. Technically, I met with the social worker once, but I like the dramatic effect. It’s my blog!), downloading some essays about why a 25 year old frat boy has decided to sell his seed, going through pregnancy and labor on her own, having absolutely no sleep because there is no one there to share the crying of a newborn with, and then raising a child who will eventually place all of the blame for her woes squarely on your shoulders because he/she will have no one else to blame! Now that sounds like a fairy tale. I wonder why no one has written that one!

How can I be blamed for placing some hope on this new-founded “relationship?” I allowed (I’m speaking in past tense here to convince myself. It’s not crazy if you know you are doing it!) myself to believe that there could be a different path. I might not have to do this alone! I vacillate from this sense of hope to being angry with myself for allowing the hope to creep in, but I have realized (with the help of a friend) that I need to feel this. I need to let go of the ideal in order to move on with the reality.

So I am on my way….