Well, I am not pregnant. I attempted to construct a blog the day I found out, but couldn't bring myself to form the words. I can't begin to describe the level of disappointment I am feeling. I couldn't even form tears this time. I was numb. I think I still am to a degree, because I need to choose a new donor and haven't been able to bring myself to even review the options. I am at a standstill. I may take this month off to regroup.
My mother is still in town, and she, my sister, and I are headed out of town on Fri for a long weekend. I'm hoping this will help to rejuvinate me. The next try will be another assisted IUI, so I need to decide soon, but I've decided not to pressure myself.
I want to thank everyone for the continued support! I can't tell you how appreciated it is.
I'll keep you posted.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Pins and needles
I know all of you are shocked that I am behind in posting again!!! Wait until I also have a baby to take care of. I’ll never be on time for anything again.
Here’s the scoop. This round, I did an assisted IUI, meaning they trigged my ovulation in order to control the timing. On the 12th day of my cycle I went in for a vaginal ultrasound. Now I have to stop here, and point out that there can’t possibly be that many blogs with the word vaginal in them, so savor this moment please. Anyway, for those of you who’ve never had one, it’s an interesting experience. It’s not painful or uncomfortable, just odd. It’s basically a big plastic probe with an ultrasound “camera” on the end. They look for mature follicles and if they find one big enough, you get a shot of ovadril to trigger the egg to be released.
What amazes me about all of these medical procedures is how secretive the doctors are about all of this. I am naked (vaginal and naked in the same blog post, I need to point out!) from the waist down and lying on the table with my feet in the stirrups. Imagine that! And the have the camera completely turned away so you can’t see what’s going on and are talking in hushed tones like I’m not in the room. What is that about?? We are inside my body. I think I have the right to see it. And it’s not like it’s surgery. I can’t even tell what the picture is of. Because, of course, I looked at the screen when I was able to get up, and I didn’t do it subtly!
I am learning so many of the hilarities of the medical profession! Anyway, then the reproduction nurse takes me into the regular exam room and teaches me how to administer this shot of ovadril to myself. Oh yes, you read that right. I had to give myself a shot!!! Now, before you go getting all proud of me….I totally chickened out and had my friend Mike come over and give me the shot. Sorry, I’m disappointed in myself as well. Would have made for better copy if I had this dramatic story about giving this shot to myself. As it turns out, the shot isn’t that bad, and I probably could have done it. But who knew!
He gives me the shot in my stomach, and the needle is pretty tiny, so I don’t even really feel a prick. I admit, I’m a baby. In general, shots don’t bother me that much, but the thought of giving it to myself did make me weak in the knees! I think this is where I will blame my sister because I didn’t get that worked up about it until I talked to her and she was freaked out about it and offered to drive over to do it. (Note: I still love you D!)
That Sat, I go in for the insemination, which was pretty routine, although I did have that horrible cramping like I did the first round, so I spent the day in bed. Now, I am waiting. I will know in a few days, but for some reason I don’t think it worked. I’m not really sure why I’m feeling that way other than my body feels like it does pre-menstrual. Many of the “symptoms” of pregnancy are the same, so I could be wrong, but I’m not getting my hopes up. This may be a bit self-protective as well, because the let down has been getting harder each time! I am not sure what day to expect my period, as I didn’t even count days this round. I could easily figure it out, but I am trying to not focus on it as much.
I promise I will post when I know! Everyone think baby thoughts!!!
Here’s the scoop. This round, I did an assisted IUI, meaning they trigged my ovulation in order to control the timing. On the 12th day of my cycle I went in for a vaginal ultrasound. Now I have to stop here, and point out that there can’t possibly be that many blogs with the word vaginal in them, so savor this moment please. Anyway, for those of you who’ve never had one, it’s an interesting experience. It’s not painful or uncomfortable, just odd. It’s basically a big plastic probe with an ultrasound “camera” on the end. They look for mature follicles and if they find one big enough, you get a shot of ovadril to trigger the egg to be released.
What amazes me about all of these medical procedures is how secretive the doctors are about all of this. I am naked (vaginal and naked in the same blog post, I need to point out!) from the waist down and lying on the table with my feet in the stirrups. Imagine that! And the have the camera completely turned away so you can’t see what’s going on and are talking in hushed tones like I’m not in the room. What is that about?? We are inside my body. I think I have the right to see it. And it’s not like it’s surgery. I can’t even tell what the picture is of. Because, of course, I looked at the screen when I was able to get up, and I didn’t do it subtly!
I am learning so many of the hilarities of the medical profession! Anyway, then the reproduction nurse takes me into the regular exam room and teaches me how to administer this shot of ovadril to myself. Oh yes, you read that right. I had to give myself a shot!!! Now, before you go getting all proud of me….I totally chickened out and had my friend Mike come over and give me the shot. Sorry, I’m disappointed in myself as well. Would have made for better copy if I had this dramatic story about giving this shot to myself. As it turns out, the shot isn’t that bad, and I probably could have done it. But who knew!
He gives me the shot in my stomach, and the needle is pretty tiny, so I don’t even really feel a prick. I admit, I’m a baby. In general, shots don’t bother me that much, but the thought of giving it to myself did make me weak in the knees! I think this is where I will blame my sister because I didn’t get that worked up about it until I talked to her and she was freaked out about it and offered to drive over to do it. (Note: I still love you D!)
That Sat, I go in for the insemination, which was pretty routine, although I did have that horrible cramping like I did the first round, so I spent the day in bed. Now, I am waiting. I will know in a few days, but for some reason I don’t think it worked. I’m not really sure why I’m feeling that way other than my body feels like it does pre-menstrual. Many of the “symptoms” of pregnancy are the same, so I could be wrong, but I’m not getting my hopes up. This may be a bit self-protective as well, because the let down has been getting harder each time! I am not sure what day to expect my period, as I didn’t even count days this round. I could easily figure it out, but I am trying to not focus on it as much.
I promise I will post when I know! Everyone think baby thoughts!!!
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Betrayed by my body
Seems I am taking this month off. I’m not sure what happened exactly. I suspect, or maybe hope, that it’s related to the HSG. I did not get a smiley face on the Ovulation Predictor Kit this month. It doesn’t necessarily mean that I didn’t ovulate. I will find that out next week when I have the blood test for progesterone levels again, but it does mean that my LH did not reach a high enough level to trigger the positive result on the test strip.
I was planning to take a month off anyway. This wasn’t the way I had intended on doing it, but oh well! As I am painfully aware, sometimes life takes you on a different path than the one you planned on taking.
Deep down I am terrified, but I can’t really bring it into awareness for too long because I am not yet ready to deal with the possibility of this path being a dead end.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Passed: Is that good or bad?
I had the HSG test yesterday. It was mildly painful during the procedure and then I experienced some cramping later in the evening. The cramps were nothing close to those experienced during that first round of insemination! The whole process was rather humorous. There was a male lab intern (not sure of the specifics), but he seemed mortified the whole time! The nurse was just chatting away as she is getting my body situated, because it's an high contrast x-ray. In her chattiness, ignored any and all attempt at modesty. Now, for those of you who know me in real life, you know this wasn't a problem for me! But that poor lab intern. He couldn't find a place to look that was far enough away. I think I actually chuckled out loud!
The whole procedure took about 10 mins, including quite a bit of flashing! They took a picture of my uterus and the Dr declared that it was perfect! I'm not sure how I feel about that. Having a problem would at least offer an explanation that I could hold on to, but being completely healthy means I still have hope for this to work!
I will be inseminated again in less than a week. In the meantime, I am distracted by my 20 year high school reunion this weekend! Where did 20 years go? It's making me a little philosophical. Maybe I'll do a sidebar philosophy post this week! We'll see!
The whole procedure took about 10 mins, including quite a bit of flashing! They took a picture of my uterus and the Dr declared that it was perfect! I'm not sure how I feel about that. Having a problem would at least offer an explanation that I could hold on to, but being completely healthy means I still have hope for this to work!
I will be inseminated again in less than a week. In the meantime, I am distracted by my 20 year high school reunion this weekend! Where did 20 years go? It's making me a little philosophical. Maybe I'll do a sidebar philosophy post this week! We'll see!
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Tears
Well for those of you holding your breath, or set egg timers (that was adorable by the way!!), waiting to find out if I’m pregnant (because I have no doubt you are all that concerned with my life!), I am not pregnant! I knew this about 36 hours ago, but have not been able to really deal with the overwhelming emotions until now! I had convinced myself that I was pregnant. It was odd, and even though I knew in my head that I couldn’t really know, my mind someone found the signs. So much for the knowing!!! For the last several days, I have been feeling waves of nausea, albeit slight, I focused on it! I also didn’t get the typical PMS symptoms. I’m not sure how my body manifested this one, but the mind is a powerful organ!
My mind has also gotten me through the last 36 hours! Although I did a lot of crying (and I mean a lot!!!), I have been able to not shut down. I’ve also been pretty good at compartmentalizing my emotions, but this has surprised even me! Even though there is a heaviness that I feel physically, I am in a pretty good mood today, and the crying has decreased significantly. Both are blessings since I’ve forced myself to come to work.
The next step is to have an HSG, which stands for hysterosalpingogram. I’m really glad I can just type that because I have absolutely no idea how to pronounce it!!! Basically, they will inject a dye into my uterus, which will flow into the fallopian tubes if they aren’t blocked (which is what it’s checking for) and allow then to be seen with x-ray. It will also reveal any abnormalities of the uterus.
To be honest, I think they are doing this because they feel like I need something done! I did read on the internet, however (gotta love Google!!!), that often just the process of having the dye forced through the fallopian tubes can dislodge any blockage and allow for easier pregnancy. We’ll see. The side effects can be infection or severe cramping, neither of which I’m looking forward to, but I’ll let you know how it goes.
I’m still considering the acupuncture, but it’s so expensive!
Feeling for the day, probably continuing through the week: Numb!!
My mind has also gotten me through the last 36 hours! Although I did a lot of crying (and I mean a lot!!!), I have been able to not shut down. I’ve also been pretty good at compartmentalizing my emotions, but this has surprised even me! Even though there is a heaviness that I feel physically, I am in a pretty good mood today, and the crying has decreased significantly. Both are blessings since I’ve forced myself to come to work.
The next step is to have an HSG, which stands for hysterosalpingogram. I’m really glad I can just type that because I have absolutely no idea how to pronounce it!!! Basically, they will inject a dye into my uterus, which will flow into the fallopian tubes if they aren’t blocked (which is what it’s checking for) and allow then to be seen with x-ray. It will also reveal any abnormalities of the uterus.
To be honest, I think they are doing this because they feel like I need something done! I did read on the internet, however (gotta love Google!!!), that often just the process of having the dye forced through the fallopian tubes can dislodge any blockage and allow for easier pregnancy. We’ll see. The side effects can be infection or severe cramping, neither of which I’m looking forward to, but I’ll let you know how it goes.
I’m still considering the acupuncture, but it’s so expensive!
Feeling for the day, probably continuing through the week: Numb!!
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Human Spirit
I really can’t explain why, but I have a sense of peace for the last week. There are moments of anxiety about what the results will be, but I have not been completely focused on it. I decided to just go on about my life. Some of you may disagree with this, but I went out to dinner with a friend the day after the insemination and decided to have a glass of wine. Had I been getting pregnant the traditional way, that probably would have occurred so I went with it. I won’t drink this week because the fetus will be implanting at this point. I think that one decision made it easier!
I did have the progesterone level blood test on Monday and my level was fine. I guess that’s good news, although I’m not really sure what it means. I will have to get some details then next time I speak to one of the nurses.
My current mood is surprisingly optimistic!
I did have the progesterone level blood test on Monday and my level was fine. I guess that’s good news, although I’m not really sure what it means. I will have to get some details then next time I speak to one of the nurses.
My current mood is surprisingly optimistic!
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Still in the game!
Yesterday was my fourth insemination. The feelings are a bit different and it surprises me. I think it’s self-protection. I am an expert at compartmentalizing!! Not always a good thing, but in this case, I’m grateful for the skill. The procedure itself was pretty standard. I had a new nurse, which felt a little strange. It’s weird the relationship you develop with these people. They are the ones present for this would be miracle. I imagine it’s similar to what people who go through a crisis together feel. You are somehow fighting the same cause. They may not feel the same way, but those are my emotional experiences. And, again, it’ s my blog, so it’s all about me!!
As you can see, my mood is on the upswing. The last two weeks were really difficult. The anger ebbed and flowed, and I struggled with putting myself through this again. But in the end, the plan was to go forward. I chose to abide by the plan and not my current emotional state. I have one more round of sperm that I’ve already purchased and then will need to choose a new donor. I think at that point I will take a break for a month or two. It’s unbelievably difficult to live with the uncertainty from week to week.
The adoption issue. I considered adoption, and have not ruled it out it. When I decided to do this single parenting thing, I weighed all my options and the pros and cons of each. Very carefully, in fact. It took me about 2 years to make the actual decision to move forward with artificial insemination. Here is my thought process. I would love to adopt, but decided that adopting a child younger than my nieces was important. They are almost 4 and almost 2. I felt this was important because having worked with the child welfare system for many many years, I am painfully aware of the problems that can arise with these children. I don’t want to put my nieces in a position to be victimized. At this point, I’m left with the option of adopting an infant. This is next to impossible as a single person, unless you go with international adoption. After looking into international adoption, which can cost up to $50,000 or more, I decided that artificial insemination was a much better first step. I will attempt this for a year. If it doesn’t happen, I will pursue adoption, either internationally adopting an infant or waiting until my nieces are older and adopting an older child domestically.
I’m going to try posting more frequently throughout the two week waiting period with shorter updates on my emotions for the day. We’ll see how that goes. Today I am fluctuating between being hopeful, searching for that “you just know” feeling that women talk about, and pushing it out of mind as an avoidance of possible disappointment. I am constantly being told, “just put it out of your mind and it will happen.” I have no earthly idea how to put it out of my mind, but I’m trying!!!
Any comments/questions are welcomed and appreciated.
As you can see, my mood is on the upswing. The last two weeks were really difficult. The anger ebbed and flowed, and I struggled with putting myself through this again. But in the end, the plan was to go forward. I chose to abide by the plan and not my current emotional state. I have one more round of sperm that I’ve already purchased and then will need to choose a new donor. I think at that point I will take a break for a month or two. It’s unbelievably difficult to live with the uncertainty from week to week.
The adoption issue. I considered adoption, and have not ruled it out it. When I decided to do this single parenting thing, I weighed all my options and the pros and cons of each. Very carefully, in fact. It took me about 2 years to make the actual decision to move forward with artificial insemination. Here is my thought process. I would love to adopt, but decided that adopting a child younger than my nieces was important. They are almost 4 and almost 2. I felt this was important because having worked with the child welfare system for many many years, I am painfully aware of the problems that can arise with these children. I don’t want to put my nieces in a position to be victimized. At this point, I’m left with the option of adopting an infant. This is next to impossible as a single person, unless you go with international adoption. After looking into international adoption, which can cost up to $50,000 or more, I decided that artificial insemination was a much better first step. I will attempt this for a year. If it doesn’t happen, I will pursue adoption, either internationally adopting an infant or waiting until my nieces are older and adopting an older child domestically.
I’m going to try posting more frequently throughout the two week waiting period with shorter updates on my emotions for the day. We’ll see how that goes. Today I am fluctuating between being hopeful, searching for that “you just know” feeling that women talk about, and pushing it out of mind as an avoidance of possible disappointment. I am constantly being told, “just put it out of your mind and it will happen.” I have no earthly idea how to put it out of my mind, but I’m trying!!!
Any comments/questions are welcomed and appreciated.
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