Betrayed by my body

Seems I am taking this month off. I’m not sure what happened exactly. I suspect, or maybe hope, that it’s related to the HSG. I did not get a smiley face on the Ovulation Predictor Kit this month. It doesn’t necessarily mean that I didn’t ovulate. I will find that out next week when I have the blood test for progesterone levels again, but it does mean that my LH did not reach a high enough level to trigger the positive result on the test strip.

I have no idea how common this is or if I should be concerned. I choose to wait and see. I am a bit disappointed because I had read about women getting pregnant the cycle that they had the HSG. Anything will do when you need to hang your hopes on something! I am choosing to keep a positive attitude and just “go with the flow” like everyone has been telling me to do.

I was planning to take a month off anyway. This wasn’t the way I had intended on doing it, but oh well! As I am painfully aware, sometimes life takes you on a different path than the one you planned on taking.

Deep down I am terrified, but I can’t really bring it into awareness for too long because I am not yet ready to deal with the possibility of this path being a dead end.

Passed: Is that good or bad?

I had the HSG test yesterday. It was mildly painful during the procedure and then I experienced some cramping later in the evening. The cramps were nothing close to those experienced during that first round of insemination! The whole process was rather humorous. There was a male lab intern (not sure of the specifics), but he seemed mortified the whole time! The nurse was just chatting away as she is getting my body situated, because it's an high contrast x-ray. In her chattiness, ignored any and all attempt at modesty. Now, for those of you who know me in real life, you know this wasn't a problem for me! But that poor lab intern. He couldn't find a place to look that was far enough away. I think I actually chuckled out loud!

The whole procedure took about 10 mins, including quite a bit of flashing! They took a picture of my uterus and the Dr declared that it was perfect! I'm not sure how I feel about that. Having a problem would at least offer an explanation that I could hold on to, but being completely healthy means I still have hope for this to work!

I will be inseminated again in less than a week. In the meantime, I am distracted by my 20 year high school reunion this weekend! Where did 20 years go? It's making me a little philosophical. Maybe I'll do a sidebar philosophy post this week! We'll see!

Tears

Well for those of you holding your breath, or set egg timers (that was adorable by the way!!), waiting to find out if I’m pregnant (because I have no doubt you are all that concerned with my life!), I am not pregnant! I knew this about 36 hours ago, but have not been able to really deal with the overwhelming emotions until now! I had convinced myself that I was pregnant. It was odd, and even though I knew in my head that I couldn’t really know, my mind someone found the signs. So much for the knowing!!! For the last several days, I have been feeling waves of nausea, albeit slight, I focused on it! I also didn’t get the typical PMS symptoms. I’m not sure how my body manifested this one, but the mind is a powerful organ!

My mind has also gotten me through the last 36 hours! Although I did a lot of crying (and I mean a lot!!!), I have been able to not shut down. I’ve also been pretty good at compartmentalizing my emotions, but this has surprised even me! Even though there is a heaviness that I feel physically, I am in a pretty good mood today, and the crying has decreased significantly. Both are blessings since I’ve forced myself to come to work.

The next step is to have an HSG, which stands for hysterosalpingogram. I’m really glad I can just type that because I have absolutely no idea how to pronounce it!!! Basically, they will inject a dye into my uterus, which will flow into the fallopian tubes if they aren’t blocked (which is what it’s checking for) and allow then to be seen with x-ray. It will also reveal any abnormalities of the uterus.

To be honest, I think they are doing this because they feel like I need something done! I did read on the internet, however (gotta love Google!!!), that often just the process of having the dye forced through the fallopian tubes can dislodge any blockage and allow for easier pregnancy. We’ll see. The side effects can be infection or severe cramping, neither of which I’m looking forward to, but I’ll let you know how it goes.

I’m still considering the acupuncture, but it’s so expensive!

Feeling for the day, probably continuing through the week: Numb!!

Human Spirit

I really can’t explain why, but I have a sense of peace for the last week. There are moments of anxiety about what the results will be, but I have not been completely focused on it. I decided to just go on about my life. Some of you may disagree with this, but I went out to dinner with a friend the day after the insemination and decided to have a glass of wine. Had I been getting pregnant the traditional way, that probably would have occurred so I went with it. I won’t drink this week because the fetus will be implanting at this point. I think that one decision made it easier!

I did have the progesterone level blood test on Monday and my level was fine. I guess that’s good news, although I’m not really sure what it means. I will have to get some details then next time I speak to one of the nurses.

My current mood is surprisingly optimistic!

Still in the game!

Yesterday was my fourth insemination. The feelings are a bit different and it surprises me. I think it’s self-protection. I am an expert at compartmentalizing!! Not always a good thing, but in this case, I’m grateful for the skill. The procedure itself was pretty standard. I had a new nurse, which felt a little strange. It’s weird the relationship you develop with these people. They are the ones present for this would be miracle. I imagine it’s similar to what people who go through a crisis together feel. You are somehow fighting the same cause. They may not feel the same way, but those are my emotional experiences. And, again, it’ s my blog, so it’s all about me!!

As you can see, my mood is on the upswing. The last two weeks were really difficult. The anger ebbed and flowed, and I struggled with putting myself through this again. But in the end, the plan was to go forward. I chose to abide by the plan and not my current emotional state. I have one more round of sperm that I’ve already purchased and then will need to choose a new donor. I think at that point I will take a break for a month or two. It’s unbelievably difficult to live with the uncertainty from week to week.

The adoption issue. I considered adoption, and have not ruled it out it. When I decided to do this single parenting thing, I weighed all my options and the pros and cons of each. Very carefully, in fact. It took me about 2 years to make the actual decision to move forward with artificial insemination. Here is my thought process. I would love to adopt, but decided that adopting a child younger than my nieces was important. They are almost 4 and almost 2. I felt this was important because having worked with the child welfare system for many many years, I am painfully aware of the problems that can arise with these children. I don’t want to put my nieces in a position to be victimized. At this point, I’m left with the option of adopting an infant. This is next to impossible as a single person, unless you go with international adoption. After looking into international adoption, which can cost up to $50,000 or more, I decided that artificial insemination was a much better first step. I will attempt this for a year. If it doesn’t happen, I will pursue adoption, either internationally adopting an infant or waiting until my nieces are older and adopting an older child domestically.

I’m going to try posting more frequently throughout the two week waiting period with shorter updates on my emotions for the day. We’ll see how that goes. Today I am fluctuating between being hopeful, searching for that “you just know” feeling that women talk about, and pushing it out of mind as an avoidance of possible disappointment. I am constantly being told, “just put it out of your mind and it will happen.” I have no earthly idea how to put it out of my mind, but I’m trying!!!

Any comments/questions are welcomed and appreciated.

Hope....

I am struggling as a write this, but hoping it will act as a catharsis as much as a kept promise to keep up! I am not pregnant, again. This was definitely the hardest one thus far. I had convinced myself that I was pregnant. I’m not sure that’s the right thing to do, but it’s impossible to lock the thoughts out of my mind. It’s the hope that gets to you. It’s the proverbial double-edged sword. On one hand, I truly believe that a positive attitude can work miracles, but I also am a realist and know that I can’t make it happen. Building up the hope makes the fall even harder. Wow. I’m full of clichés today!!

For the last two days (I got confirmation of my non-pregnant status on Tues evening), I have decided that being angry is easier than crying all day. So I’m angry at the world! At the injustice and the unfairness, and at those who judge my choices, and at those who take for granted their ability to have children!

On top of that, there are only 2 vials of my chosen donor’s sperm left! The donor selection process is not something I am looking forward to doing again!

However, the anger is already lessening. I’m not an angry person, so it’s difficult for me to maintain that level of intensity. I have already begun to look forward, planning for the next round. They will be monitoring my hormone levels this round following insemination to ensure that my uterus becomes implantable.

I am also looking into acupuncture. Although there is no reason at this point to suspect infertility, there has been a great deal of research about the benefits of acupuncture for infertility. It can’t hurt, right?

I will try to write more when I come to terms with my own emotions.

Is this a test?

I am officially bad at following directions! I’m not sure what this implies for my future mothering skills, but I’m pretty sure it declares my age. I used to be overly organized. But I have yet to get this fertility testing/insemination process correct. In my defense, I did actually follow the directions on the back of the ovulation monitoring kit, but those directions are for “direct deposit.” Since I’m taking a less traditional route, the timing is a bit different.

Basically, around the 13^th day of my cycle (which just means 13 days after the start of my period), I begin testing for ovulation. You do this by peeing on a stick, which measures the level of LH (luteinizing hormone), triggering release of an egg. The digital monitor, purchased at the drug store, indicates this with a smiley face. The kit instructs you to test in the morning, so that you have a 24-36 hour timeframe in which to fertilize the egg. The nurse explained that this is b/c most people will test in the morning in order to plan their evening activities when trying to conceive. I, however, am supposed to test in the evening because I get inseminated during the day. I didn’t realize this flip flopped time schedule during the first 2 tries, although when I called in for to schedule the 2^nd try, they got me in that day b/c she didn’t want me to wait until the next day.

So for this round, I was to begin testing last night. I worked late and then went to a program with a friend after work. As an aside, it was a really cool program. It’s called Science Café, and was about cryptography last night. It’s held at the Great Lakes Brewery and is sponsored by the Case (Case Western Reserve University) chapter of Sigma Xi. Since it was held at the brewery, I was almost required to have a beer, right? Well anyway, I did, which meant by the end of the program I really had to pee. I arrived home at about 8pm and remember that I was scheduled to pee on the stick, so I went upstairs to do this. Being the hyper vigilant direction follower that I thought I was, I once again read the package. Well, I need to have not peed for 4 hours before taking the “test.” So, I wait, not really expecting a smiley face anyway, so what’s the harm.

At about 11pm when I decide to head off to bed, I first pee on the stick, with sort of an obligatory feeling. It’s too early, but I’m supposed to start now, so I will. I do the bedtime routine stuff, brush my teeth, blah, blah, blah, and go back into the bathroom to glance at the stick. There is a smiley face staring back at me. My first thought is….I did it wrong! Then….it’s affected by beer! I did have that beer at the Science Café thing. I read the directions again, and then panic. I’ve screwed this up again. It’s too late to call the lab to let them know I’m coming in the morning. What if I’ve missed my window of opportunity? I knew I was in for a rough night! I decide to test again in the morning and then just call first thing (I have to be at work early anyway) to see if I can get in. It takes me about 2 hours to fall asleep!

I wake up in the morning with a preemptive feeling of disappointment. I have convinced myself in my sleep that I’ve missed my ovulation period. You know the morning routine, so I won’t go into that, but when I look at the stick, to my surprise there is a smiley face brightening my morning! I can’t begin to tell you the feeling of possibility that silly smiley face brings.

The actual insemination process is getting easier. Much like the feeling I got walking into my dad’s hospital room, the familiarity come easily. It’s an odd familiarity, though. One that you don’t want, yet it offers comfort and creates a calmness that I have trouble creating on the drive over. The procedure itself is very simple, which is such a bizarre juxtaposition to its monumental meaning, but the nurses are incredibly skilled at creating a caring environment. Today, she almost feels like a friend.

I’m trying to relax and go about my normal daily routine, but the possible disappointment looms heavy.