Hope....

I am struggling as a write this, but hoping it will act as a catharsis as much as a kept promise to keep up! I am not pregnant, again. This was definitely the hardest one thus far. I had convinced myself that I was pregnant. I’m not sure that’s the right thing to do, but it’s impossible to lock the thoughts out of my mind. It’s the hope that gets to you. It’s the proverbial double-edged sword. On one hand, I truly believe that a positive attitude can work miracles, but I also am a realist and know that I can’t make it happen. Building up the hope makes the fall even harder. Wow. I’m full of clichés today!!

For the last two days (I got confirmation of my non-pregnant status on Tues evening), I have decided that being angry is easier than crying all day. So I’m angry at the world! At the injustice and the unfairness, and at those who judge my choices, and at those who take for granted their ability to have children!

On top of that, there are only 2 vials of my chosen donor’s sperm left! The donor selection process is not something I am looking forward to doing again!

However, the anger is already lessening. I’m not an angry person, so it’s difficult for me to maintain that level of intensity. I have already begun to look forward, planning for the next round. They will be monitoring my hormone levels this round following insemination to ensure that my uterus becomes implantable.

I am also looking into acupuncture. Although there is no reason at this point to suspect infertility, there has been a great deal of research about the benefits of acupuncture for infertility. It can’t hurt, right?

I will try to write more when I come to terms with my own emotions.

Is this a test?

I am officially bad at following directions! I’m not sure what this implies for my future mothering skills, but I’m pretty sure it declares my age. I used to be overly organized. But I have yet to get this fertility testing/insemination process correct. In my defense, I did actually follow the directions on the back of the ovulation monitoring kit, but those directions are for “direct deposit.” Since I’m taking a less traditional route, the timing is a bit different.

Basically, around the 13^th day of my cycle (which just means 13 days after the start of my period), I begin testing for ovulation. You do this by peeing on a stick, which measures the level of LH (luteinizing hormone), triggering release of an egg. The digital monitor, purchased at the drug store, indicates this with a smiley face. The kit instructs you to test in the morning, so that you have a 24-36 hour timeframe in which to fertilize the egg. The nurse explained that this is b/c most people will test in the morning in order to plan their evening activities when trying to conceive. I, however, am supposed to test in the evening because I get inseminated during the day. I didn’t realize this flip flopped time schedule during the first 2 tries, although when I called in for to schedule the 2^nd try, they got me in that day b/c she didn’t want me to wait until the next day.

So for this round, I was to begin testing last night. I worked late and then went to a program with a friend after work. As an aside, it was a really cool program. It’s called Science Café, and was about cryptography last night. It’s held at the Great Lakes Brewery and is sponsored by the Case (Case Western Reserve University) chapter of Sigma Xi. Since it was held at the brewery, I was almost required to have a beer, right? Well anyway, I did, which meant by the end of the program I really had to pee. I arrived home at about 8pm and remember that I was scheduled to pee on the stick, so I went upstairs to do this. Being the hyper vigilant direction follower that I thought I was, I once again read the package. Well, I need to have not peed for 4 hours before taking the “test.” So, I wait, not really expecting a smiley face anyway, so what’s the harm.

At about 11pm when I decide to head off to bed, I first pee on the stick, with sort of an obligatory feeling. It’s too early, but I’m supposed to start now, so I will. I do the bedtime routine stuff, brush my teeth, blah, blah, blah, and go back into the bathroom to glance at the stick. There is a smiley face staring back at me. My first thought is….I did it wrong! Then….it’s affected by beer! I did have that beer at the Science Café thing. I read the directions again, and then panic. I’ve screwed this up again. It’s too late to call the lab to let them know I’m coming in the morning. What if I’ve missed my window of opportunity? I knew I was in for a rough night! I decide to test again in the morning and then just call first thing (I have to be at work early anyway) to see if I can get in. It takes me about 2 hours to fall asleep!

I wake up in the morning with a preemptive feeling of disappointment. I have convinced myself in my sleep that I’ve missed my ovulation period. You know the morning routine, so I won’t go into that, but when I look at the stick, to my surprise there is a smiley face brightening my morning! I can’t begin to tell you the feeling of possibility that silly smiley face brings.

The actual insemination process is getting easier. Much like the feeling I got walking into my dad’s hospital room, the familiarity come easily. It’s an odd familiarity, though. One that you don’t want, yet it offers comfort and creates a calmness that I have trouble creating on the drive over. The procedure itself is very simple, which is such a bizarre juxtaposition to its monumental meaning, but the nurses are incredibly skilled at creating a caring environment. Today, she almost feels like a friend.

I’m trying to relax and go about my normal daily routine, but the possible disappointment looms heavy.

Ahhh life!

Here I am….behind again! There are several reasons (i.e. excuses!) for this, which I will spare you. But I’m here to give the recap and get back on track! A promise to myself as much as to you readers.

I am not pregnant….again. It was much more disappointing this time, and I am having a hard time staying positive. I know I’ve only tried twice, but reality is now a little too real! If that makes any sense. It’s difficult to continue with life because there is so much unknown about this baby thing. Should I sell my house and move? Should I plan a vacation? Should I date? Should I be saving my time off and my money? I feel like I’m on hold! And I really hate that feeling! I used to live that way. Like I was waiting for my life to begin….and now I’m back there. Just waiting.

My life is now lived in 2 week segments, with peeing on a stick as the culmination of each segment. Ironically, the fertility testing, which started out as the disappointing “test,” has now become the one that doesn’t let me down. I can’t begin to describe the feelings that I have experienced in the 3 minutes it takes to complete a pregnancy test. The absence of a line dictating the course of my life. There is so much emotion wrapped up into that little act. My mom was here for the most recent disappointment. Maybe that made it more disappointing! She would have loved being there for the “knowing!” Of course, I will call her after each time, but being present would have been special for her, and for me.

I joined this online support group for “Single Moms by Choice.” That’s the catch phrase for women who do what I’m doing. It also includes women who adopt alone, but I don’t see as many of those postings. I’m not sure it’s helping. People tend to seek out a support group when things are difficult, not when they are fabulous, so the majority of the postings just serve to scare me more. I want someone to tell me that it’s going to be ok. That I will get pregnant!

I begin fertility testing again on Monday (June 9th), and will try to make blogging more of a priority!

Knowing

Obviously, I am behind in posting. I was hoping to post as things happened, but life sometimes gets in the way! So, I will recap the last 2 weeks since the insemination.

It’s a bizarre feeling to know what could be happening in your body. I bounced from hoping, to wondering, to willing it to happen. I don’t think that I ever fully stopped thinking about it. I couldn’t help but wonder if this is what it feels like to be a teenager and have to wait to find out if your life will be forever altered.

As I write this I struggle with what tense to use. Should I write it as if it’s occurring, walking you through the process…..but then that’s impossible because I am at the point that I know the outcome, so it feels artificial to portray the anticipation.

I can’t begin to put words to the emotions that I have experienced over the last couple of weeks. My mind would not allow me to wonder too far from focus on my uterus. I consider every move I make, questioning if it will have an effect or if I will attribute a failed attempt to it. It’s difficult not to talk about it, let alone to not think about it. I do make a concerted effort to live my life as normally as possible. I realize how someone can become obsessed with getting pregnant. Hopefully, I can be more grounded than that.

About 10 days after the insemination, I have the urge to take a pregnancy test, but somehow will myself to wait. I had no idea I had this much willpower!!! I convince myself that I just want to know. I can’t allow myself to generate too much hope, but every twinge in my body is taken as a sign of pregnancy and I have to talk myself out of believing. I have heard numerous women say that they just knew, and I crave this knowing, but it refuses to cooperate. Damn rational thought process!

On day 26 of my cycle, I wake up knowing I will take the test! I try to control the excitement, knowing that the more hope I allow myself the more disappointment I may have to face. We are all aware of my morning routine, but I wake up early and am unable to snooze….go figure. So I get up and pee on the stick. Go let Shadow out, forcing the anticipation out of my mind. I only have to wait 3 mins, but it feels like an eternity! As I walk back up the stairs, Shadow flying up before me to dive back into bed, I remind myself that a negative result isn’t necessarily indicative of a failed attempt. It’s still a couple days early. (The most accurate results are after the date of your expected period, which is typically day 28 for me.) I try to find that feeling of knowing, but it’s not there, and I walk into the bathroom with such nervous anticipation. There is only one line and a sadness washes over me. Again I am reminded that I am doing this alone. There is no one to share my burden.

I get into the shower, silently convincing myself that there is still a possibility that I am pregnant, but it’s false, even to myself. Deep down, I know! But I choose hope for now.

The next day, my period begins and the sadness creeps in. I feel alone, all the while knowing that I have so many supports to reach out to, but I am painfully aware that the loneliness belongs to me. I can’t give it away, so I embrace it and give it its due. Tomorrow it can be set aside.

Testing...continued

I know I’ve kept some of you hanging. I should be a writer for Lost! To continue…..

So, she calls my name and we walk back to the exam room. I’m still clinging to my vial of sperm and am now profoundly nervous. I liken it to the first time you have sex. You are excited and really want to do it, but have no idea what to expect, so your heart is just racing. I hand the nurse the vial and she asks if I need to use the restroom. I figure this is a good idea so I do. When I return she tells me that I need to undress or I can just pull my skirt up and take off my panties. That is WAY too much like I’m a teenager sneaking to get laid, so I opt for taking it off! There is a little section of the exam room that is sectioned off with a curtain where I go to undress. She hands me a sheet to wrap around myself.

When I emerge, she tells me to lie on the exam table with my feet in the stirrups. This is exactly what happens during a regular ob/gyn appointment, so now I’m feeling a little like a pro. Any familiarity offers some small comfort at this point! She then explains what will happen. She will “clean” my cervix with what appears to be a large q-tip, then insert a catheter attached to a syringe, in which she has placed the specimen. She will insert the catheter, through the cervix (hence the “cleaning”), into my uterus. Once the catheter reaches the top of my uterus, she will insert the sperm. She tells me that I should feel some cramping. She leaves the catheter there for two minutes and then slowly withdraws it. I then lie on the table for ten minutes allowing the sperm to swim up my fallopian tubes. We are chatting this entire time, mostly about baby things, but not really the procedure. I feel slight cramps, but a routine pelvic exam is more uncomfortable. She then explains what should happen over the next couple of weeks, and instructs me to stay put for another few minutes and go about my day.

Lying on the table, alone in the room, I try to visual what is happening inside my body. It’s a strange sense. I keep wanting to feel something, but I’m not even sure what it is. Emotionally, I am feeling a sense of peace and excitement. After about 5 mins, I get dressed and leave. It’s strange leaving. I just walk out alone. It’s almost a disappointment, I wanted the fanfare, but the happiness is stronger, so thankfully it wins out. I return to work, where everyone is bursting with questions and excitement, which helps to prolong the euphoric mood for a bit longer. But then, it’s back to work. I can’t really concentrate on anything, however, because I can’t stop thinking about what could be happening inside me!

A couple hours later, the cramps start! And they progressively get worse. By the time, I head home for the day, I am almost doubled over. Thank God it’s Friday because I just want to go lie down. I have never experienced cramps like that. It’s not that the pain is so severe, but the cramping just doesn’t ease. I spend the entire evening in bed, which Shadow is thoroughly unhappy about, and manages to make this known every hour! The next morning, the cramps have dulled, andI am able to function fairly normally, although it’s still somewhat uncomfortable. By that evening, thankfully they are gone.

The next 2 weeks are anything but normal, but that will have to wait until the next posting.

Testing begins.

It’s amazing how familiar I have become with my cycle! Testing for fertility is much like testing for pregnancy, in that you pee on a stick and wait. It’s vast difference, however, is that it doesn’t really precipitate any celebration. When you get a positive result on a pregnancy test, you have a baby to get excited about. Testing positive on a fertility test just means your body hasn’t malfunctioned. Anyway, I was staying at my sisters at the first day of fertility testing. I wake up in the morning and go to pee (which is standard operating procedure anyway). However, my sister is already in the bathroom, so it becomes a group activity. (I am fairly certain that I informed all of you that I was raised by hippies, so no freaking out that I peed with my sister standing there!!!) I then go let Shadow (the dog) out. This is the only time he’s better at holding it than me! When I come back, the requisite 3 minutes have passed and I brace myself for either a blank circle or a smiley face. Being that it was the first day of testing, I should have expected the blank circle, but I will admit I was disappointed. I stayed at my sisters again that night, repeating this process the next morning.

As an aside, my brother-in-law travels for work, so frequently I will stay at my sisters to help with the kids when he is out of town.

The third morning, I am in my own house, and have gotten used to the blank smiley face. So pee on the stick and go to let Shadow out, not really expecting much except for the long day at work I know is ahead of me. When I return to the bathroom, I take a cursory glance at the “stick” as I’m getting ready to get in the shower. There is this little smiley face just looking at me. I was surprised at the surge of joy that overtook me. I started to smile, and looked around for someone to celebrate with. Shadow is the only one there, and he’s already back in bed, which is his normal pattern for the morning. I think that’s when the sadness creeps in a bit. Despite my fierce independence and rigid stance about my ability to do this on my own, there is sadness that I don’t have a partner to share this experience with. It doesn’t last long, however, as I’m very good at compartmentalizing my emotions. I then realize that I don’t really have anything tangible to celebrate. When you have a positive pregnancy test, you get to make announcements and make plans. What am I supposed to announce??? Oh well, I choose to be excited. I grin throughout my shower.

Insemination Day:

The anticipation is strange. I wake up in the morning with this odd mix of excitement, fear, joy, apprehension, probably the spectrum of human emotions. Thankfully, I have an extremely busy morning at work training, knowing that I have to leave the minute it’s over. My coworkers are aware of this process and feed into the nervous excitement. I can’t even imagine what the trainees thought was wrong with me. I’m giggly (which I’m normally not at all!), fidgety, and am checking the clock every 15 minutes. Finally, it’s time to go and tell my boss I’m leaving. She gets this enormous grin on her face and says “I feel like I should give you oysters or chocolate or something!” I tease back…”Could you just call me baby and tell me I’m hot?” We both laugh and I go to get my stuff to leave for the clinic. It’s only a 10 minute drive, but it feels like it takes hours. My stomach is flip-flopping and I feel like I’m floating. I have no idea what to expect! I doubt it will create the same emotions the second time (if there is a second time).

I arrive at the clinic, where I have been instructed to check in with the andrology lab. This is where they store the frozen specimen. It strikes me as quite funny that we use all kinds of slang terms until we get to a dr’s office. She tells me that she needs to unthaw my specimen, which will take 10-15 minutes, gives me some paperwork and sends me upstairs, where I am to pay for the procedure. The financial representative is in a room smaller than most closets and his demeanor reflects it, so there is little conversation beyond telling me the total and asking me the check number. He then hands me a receipt and I tell him thank you. Funny how politeness is so ingrained in me! This transaction was much like paying a parking ticket and served to dampen my mood for a couple minutes, but I choose not to focus on his bitterness as I walk back down to the lab. I then sit in a large, open waiting room as I had been instructed, looking around to see if every person in the room knows why I’m there. I feel like I’m 16 and have gotten caught having sex in my parents bed! (This never actually happened, but it’s what I imagine I would feel like.) She then calls my name and I go down a hallway back to the lab, where there aren’t any observers. She hands me a tiny vial wrapped in brown paper (how funny is that!!!), tells me to keep in warm and upright. She checks my ID, confirms my donor number, has me sign that I have received my specimen and tells me good luck. I now have to walk back out the lobby elevators and go back up to the Ob/Gyn floor. I am acutely aware during the entire elevator ride that I am carrying sperm. And I can’t stop smiling! I’m a dork. Have I mentioned this before? I wonder what my fellow elevator inhabitants were thinking.

I check in at the reception desk and wait some more, all the while cupping my vial of sperm in my hand like my life depends on it. You would be surprised at the number of things that run through your mind. Am I making it too hot, not hot enough, what if I tip it, or drop it? It’s sperm and I’m treating it like a newborn. The nurse comes out and tells me to come back……

I have to run to a mtg, so I will finish this with a new blog post.

Baby Daddy!!!

I have chosen the donor. My baby daddy is donor PC 1078. I’m not actually pregnant, so technically there isn’t a baby or a baby daddy yet, but it’s just so darn fun to say! Once I got into the picking process it wasn’t really all that difficult….surprisingly and somewhat disappointingly. It was somewhat anticlimactic. I’m not sure what I was expecting, but some sort of fireworks or thunderclap would have been nice!

One of the things I “discovered” along the way is that I don’t want a picture of the donor. I much prefer for him to just have a number and be a clinical procedure. My top pick based solely on the short profile turned out to be an open donor, so when I ordered the long profile I was able to get baby pictures and a recent picture of him. Sounds interesting right!? You get to see what your child might look like. Only interesting in theory. First off, HE’S A CHILD! It was a little strange to see how young he was. (Interestingly enough, the donor I ultimately chose is a little older! I could probably psychoanalyze that, but I’m not going there!) Secondly, I don’t want that picture in my head. I don’t want him to be an actual person. I had no idea I would feel this way, but it was a pretty strong repulsion to seeing him as a human being and not just a vial of genetic material. Maybe I will feel differently when there is an actual baby and I have to explain this decision. If I do, the donor I chose is also an open donor and I can get this info at that time.

So basically, after my freak out over seeing this child’s picture, (My sister gets creeped out when I call him a child, so I have to keep doing it!) I only ordered the long family medical history info for the next 5 donors I was interested in. My sister and I went out for dinner, ordered a bottle of wine and read through them. I had my favorite going in, based on my own family medical history. My sister immediately agreed with me and then that was it. I wanted to make some sort of announcement or something, but we just sat there looking at each other, both with these stupid grins. And then we drank more wine!!!!

Anyway, it came down to a rule out process of family medical history and amount of alcohol, tobacco, and drugs consumed. Sounds so bad. I should be able to brag about some outstanding characteristic, but honestly he was just the healthiest. So here are the stats. He’s 6’2”, 195 lbs. He has brown hair, brown eyes, and a medium build. He has a Master’s degree in counselor education, and is a marathon runner and triathlete. He doesn’t drink, doesn’t smoke, doesn’t drink coffee, has never used drugs, and has always been an athlete.

I ordered my first vial on Monday and will begin testing my fertility next Tues. When my hormone level spikes, I will go in for the insemination. I am feeling a mixture of excitement and fear, but am trying not to put too much emotion into it. I haven’t been able to wrap my head around the possibility of not being able to get pregnant. I think that’s something that I will have to deal with as it occurs. Despite my best effort, I can’t always be prepared emotionally! I’ve also learned that I don’t always want to be. I like the anticipation and the build up. I have to be honest, however, it is difficult not to go too far the other way. I don’t want to face not getting pregnant, but I also don’t want to just assume it will happen. It’s hard to stop yourself from planning and thinking about baby stuff. I have to keep reminding myself that I’m not pregnant...... yet!