Too many choices???

How does one go about deciding the genetic fate of their offspring? What a daunting and bizarre experience! I know less about my ex-husbands genetic background than I do about the potential “baby daddy.” Why I chose not to reproduce with him had little to do with genetics, however!!!!

Here are the basics. There is a catalog of donors, which you can access online. The initial list gives the basics-hair color and texture, eye color, height, weight, some screening results, and typically educational background. Then you can review a short profile which gives a bit more family medical background and “essay” type answers to some questions. You can then purchase more information about the perspective donor, including in some cases, baby pictures and current pictures. I have decided to go the “open” donation route, which just means that the donor is open to some amount of contact/disclosure once the child is 18.

Now, I have done more than my share of online dating, and this seems similar in that there are so many choices, you can psyche yourself right out of making a decision. I think my mind is programmed for finding a mate and a good father. It’s difficult to think only in terms of genetic selection. There are some obvious rule outs based on my own family medical history, but hair color, eye color, height, weight, even educational background. How much do these things really matter? Will I end up regretting my choice of donors? What if my child is short or suffers from obesity? How much of that is controlled by environment? I never realized how difficult this would be to think about.

Lag time

Seems I have left some of you hanging. I apologize for the delay in updates. I haven’t had much motivation to write lately. I am not a natural writer, so I need inspiration! Anyway, thanks to everyone who is supporting this blog and asking for more.

Updates: The AI is almost under way. I had my last round of tests to ensure I am worthy. This still bothers me on principal. I am purchasing a product that almost anyone with absolutely no qualifications can get for free. And yet, I’ve had to continually prove my worthiness. I even had to go see a geneticist! I have a rare blood factor that can cause a variety of medical conditions, one of which my mother has. It’s too complicated to go into here, but it is an extremely rare disease, even with the presence of this blood factor. Well, I’ve known about this since I was a child and disclosed it during my interview. I have done enough research to know the risks and explained this to the nurse. She, however, decided it was her calling to make me feel like a monster for even considering putting a child at risk. Statistically speaking, my child would be at greater risk for getting bitten by a shark at birth, but no matter to her!!! So, I went. I am certainly not going to be accused of being a bad mother before I am even pregnant. I will wait until I really screw something up for that! Anyway, I saw the geneticist, who confirmed my facts. The nurse seemed almost disappointed when I told her! Wonder if I should analyze that???

Now, I am at the donor choosing stage. It’s an interesting process, which requires a blog of its own! I promise it won’t be a month in the making.

Update on amazing man: He’s still in the picture, although less and less. Our “relationship” is tumultuous at times, but we seem to have a pretty solid friendship if we can keep the boundaries clear. I have told him about the baby plan and he reeled at first, thinking it was some sort of ultimatum, but I believe he will be supportive. We shall see….

Daddy's Girl

I am sitting, once again, in the hospital room next to my sleeping father. I am trying to get some work caught up. I can’t remember the last time I was at my office. What an ordeal this has been for our family. As a therapist, I know exactly what to expect, emotionally, physically, and spiritually, when one becomes a caregiver for a parent. Even that could not prepare me for the last several weeks. I will admit that I am somewhat of a daddy’s girl, so watching my father become helpless has completely shattered everything I thought I knew. I have found inner strength that I never knew existed and learned to be grateful for the all the daily gifts; a great cup of coffee, comfortable shoes, phenomenal nurses, an incredibly understanding boss, my unbelievably supportive friends, the strength of my family, the undeniably unconditional love of a dog!

Unfortunately, I have also learned a few hard lessons. Just because someone says they are a friend, doesn’t mean they will come through for you. I need sleep, more than I ever realized. I have limits, emotionally and physically.

Struggle

I am at the depths of human emotion right now. To the point that writing is a chore. I force the words, hoping that they will take with them the pain in my core. It's a physical pain that consumes me. There are times that I become overwhelmed with life. I’m sure we all do, but this is about me. I write that, hoping to be funny, but what I see when I write the words is a desperate cry for something to be about me. For someone to come and ease the pain, or at least to acknowledge that it’s there and that they feel hurt to see it in my eyes.

It’s been a couple days since I wrote that first paragraph. I considered scrapping it and starting over, but it’s a good reminder of where I’ve been. Anger has come to relieve me of the rawness of the pain. Amazing how anger can be such a powerful friend. I’m sure the pain will return, but from experience I know that it will be less powerful when it does. That provides some comfort.

Specifics I am unable or unwilling to share at the moment. I’m not sure if it’s a fear of allowing others to see my core or a fear of having to face it myself. I choose to shroud myself in vagueness and hide from the realities until anger has stripped the pain of it’s devastating power.

Life, however, does go on without my permission and will eventually sweep me along with it.

And so it begins....

A little background: I belong to a “social networking” site, which is my covert way of saying an online dating site. I do not currently have an active dating profile, but participate in the forums pretty regularly. I’ve also made some acquaintances that I correspond with and have directed many of them to this blog. I am posting a recent email that I received, not because I am angry, but because this is a common sentiment when I inform anyone of my decision to use this babymaking route.

“hmmm !!! i just meant , that your making something happen that's suppose to happen naturally ....there is a reason why you are not with child ...what it is , i don't know ......i just feel that you should make things happen ...sort of like your playing god !! have you thought about the babies feelings ...growing up without a dad , and all the other things ......does this make you selfish ? to only think of what you want ? ...ok, ok ,,,i quit ....this too deep for me ...... i would just rather float down the river in a kayak ,and see where it takes me”

I have thought about all of these things, agonizing over many of them. Here is what I came up with…Does anything really happen naturally? Aren’t we active participants, guiding our own paths? I do realize this isn’t the “traditional” path for having a baby, but many things in life have evolved beyond the traditional. The reason I don’t have a child isn’t part of some grand plan. It’s a product of choices I’ve made and choices I’ve not made. I refuse to get into a relationship with the sole purpose of parenting. I’ve been a wife. It isn’t the same job as being a mother. They have very different responsibilities involved in them. Why is it a necessity to take on the role of wife before or at the same time as mother? Many women do this (become mothers) unintentionally. I am amazed at how so many people are accepting of that, but somehow think that actively making this decision is somehow less worthy. I have put hours upon hours of consideration into this decision. I would venture to guess the majority of parents, even the ones in loving, stable relationships, haven’t done the sole searching I have done prior to having a child.

The other argument I hear is the “growing up without a dad” sentiment. Will my child be the only one without a dad? It’s such an absurd argument. With over 50% of marriages ending in divorce and countless numbers of children being raised in single parent households, I doubt that my decision is as scandalous as some would make it seem. My child will not have been “abandoned” by anyone. There will be no dad who chose to have limited or no contact. There will be no split household which requires shuffling back and forth between worlds. As for the “other things” that my child will be without, I cannot fathom what they could be. My income is higher than a significant number of 2 parent households, and I have an unbelievably supportive family and group of friends. That’s so much more than many children have. Does that make me selfish? Possibly. But tell me, does anyone have a child for purely unselfish reasons?!

I have never been the “float down the river” kind of person. I have always had direction and drive. I work hard for what I want and am not afraid to face any challenge. My child will be completely and fully desired. He or she will not just be something that happened in my life!

Wanderlust

Ahhh, wanderlust! It is an incredible thing, but can also be quite unsettling. My wanderlust runs deeper than my means to indulge it! Luckily, I am one of those people who can get lost in a good book, and it comes close to fulfilling the need to escape and explore. Or again, maybe I am just really good at fooling myself.

I have reached that stage in my life where my mortality has become a reality. The path that I am choosing will limit my freedoms (and my ability to indulge in the often felt wanderlust) and it frightens me, but I have to choose a path. I can’t continue to meander through my life, waiting….. I watched Notes on a Scandal and one of the lines struck a chord with me. I am in the space between life as you dream it and life as it is. I can’t let go of the dream, but am painfully aware of the reality.

I did indulge in some good wine this weekend and spent some time with friends. I also spent some time dreaming of new adventures!

Ugh!

Seems I’m actually pretty perceptive! I was not wrong about “amazing man’s” retreat! Small victory, to be right. He has informed me that he does not want a relationship. Basically, he’s not ready for a relationship, with me or anyone else. He said that he likes me and likes spending time with me, but he’s not in love with me. (Ouch!) He feels like he’s hurting me, and he would rather lose me as a friend than continue to hurt me.

Now, I know this sounds bad, but I do think he’s sincere. For those of you who don’t know me, this piece of info is important: We are not physically intimate. So, he isn’t “using” me, which seems to be the popular assumption.

Back to me because it is my blog! I have to decide what I can handle. Can I continue to hang out with him without feeling rejected? I don’t want to lose him. We have developed a great friendship. But will my secret hope be that he will fall in love with me? I just don’t know.